I'm too fat!

It's official. I need to go on a diet.

I've just been told, by a very reliable source that I need to freaking lose some weight. The source did tell me of course that I still look incredibly sexy in a bikini. But what's the freaking use! I don't want to be an elephant anymore! My great ambition now, is to be, a baby elephant! *Thunderous Applause*

(As you can tell, I'm a person with no great ambition!)

OK! So what's the plan?

Well, first I guess I have to learn to stick a finger down my throat, so I can start throwing up whatever I eat.

Next, I have to plan my meals. Considering the many types of diet with conflicting theories out there, I think the best way is to combine all the theories, and just not eat at all. So here's the plan....
Breakfast - a glass of water
Lunch - 2 glasses of water
Dinner - No water, because water drank before bed, bloats you up and makes you, well, bloated (like a corpse retrieved from the sea...Eeeeewwwww).
Supper - I will raid the fridge in the middle of the night, and if finding no food in the fridge, will eat my dog's food, which is actually full of all the supplements that you need to survive, and it's made of real meat, dried up of course. (Well, that's what the advert says!)

And then, my exercise regime will be to excercise excessively, night and day. I will have to wake up at some obscene hour in the morning to work out before work, skip lunch to go to the gym, and after work, to hit the gym until it's time to go home, just in time to fall into bed. I should cultivate a feeling of guilt whenever I'm unable to adhere to my strict exercise regime. And that great sense of guilt will cause me to binge, after which I'll feel even guiltier, and perhaps bang my head against the wall in an attempt to hurt myself.

All of the above should be sufficient to cause me to go down 2 dress sizes in a matter of a week or so. But it probably also means that I'll be really evil-tempered and grouchy and bitchy, so all you folks had better stay away from me if you know what's good for you. Plus, all that dog food should make my bite even snappier then before.

Darn! Who am I kidding! I won't be bothered enough to go through all that crap, just to look like good. I don't even comb my hair normally! Oh forget it!

I like elephants, so there!

I may be fat, but you're short/ugly/pimply/fatter!

HAHA!