I kid you not!

Somebody asked me whether I liked children...

Of course I do!

Kids are cute and fun and cuddly, and nice to hold and to squeeze. What's there not to like? Anyway, I've compiled a list of why I like little kiddies...

- I like the fact that it's so easy to make children laugh. Even if I'm only doing a stupid ugly monkey face, or merely acting the clown, their ready laughter makes me feel like I'm accomplished some great act. By the way, have you noticed most children laugh really funnily (funny-weird as well as in funny-haha). They all sound like gurgling bubbling brooks. (If you don't know what that sounds like, tilt a full glass of water into your mouth and gargle, and laugh at the same time. That's what a gurgling bubbling brook sounds like, stoopid!)

- They are small enough to fit into anything - the washing maching receptacle, the wastepaper basket, cupboards, under the table... The reason why I know is obviously because I've tried. Don't worry, it's all just props used for our harmless games. Like putting the kid into a wastepaper basket and have her pretend she's Cinderella and the basket's her maginificent carriage, and I'm her horse obviously. The cupboard was just to see whether the kid's afraid of the dark. And I have no good explanation for why I put them in the washing machine and under the table. Anyway, I'm convinced I can fit a small-sized kid into the refrigerator, for when the weather's too hot, and they want to cool down.

- They're so stupid that they believe everything you say. When I was a kid, I used to believe the tallest stories thatmy mother made up to made me do what she wants. (Yes, I know I'm stoopid that's why?!) Anyway, I've done my fair-share of putting strange ideas into children's heads and traumatising their otherwise very boring childhood. The classics are: small men living inside ATM / radios / television sets whose sole purpose in their minute lives are to dispense money / talk and sing / act movies for the pleasure of us normal sized folks. Obviously, I've concocted quite a few of my own stories as well, but I'm not telling any of you! I shall compile them into a book, and make you people buy it, and make millions from it instead! I'll be rich! *Evil laugh*

- 2 words: free labour. If you're ingenious enough to come up with games to suit your own purposes, which I obviously am, you can get the kids to do anything for you, and it's all free! In the morning, they help me fetch peanut butter and milk from the fridge. Sometimes I make them give me massages. Or they help to blow up balloons for my party. And they clean my floors for me by rolling all over it, in their clean clothes! (I really should wet their clothes with floor detergent for cleaner and sparkling floors!)

- Kids help with muscle definition, and stamina and strength development as well. Try playing hide and seek, or MONSTER! with them, and you'll find yourself sweating buckets as you run all over the place, up and down the stairs, and crawling under beds as well! (For the uninitiated, MONSTER! is a game where I'm obviously the wicked ugly monster that eats up children, and the kids have to make sure they don't fall into my evil clutches. The game can be re-named DINOSAUR! as well. It really depends whether you feel like a monster or a dinosaur that day.)

Another game to play is to hold them by their hands (They have to be short enough!), and then you swing them around and around in circles. (The physics behind this is Centripetal Force.) Obviously, once is not enough for the kid, and when there're more than 1 kid involved, you'll find yourself dizzy and with aching arms after swinging 5 children around times 10 times each. (I think you can call this game OUCH!)

And when you play with boys, they will insist on pretending that you're a tree and they're monkeys, and attempt to climb up you. Try having 2 'monkeys' on you, and let me know how that feels... Do try it, it's fun.


Kids are a bundle of joy, even if they ask too many "why?" questions and talk too much, and frequently cry and puke all over your clothes. If I can afford it and am not so afraid of pain, I don't mind having at least 7 kids. But I think not, I'm too chicken. I'll just stick with borrowing my friends' kids to play with. At least, when they start getting irritating or they start crying, I can drop them like a hot potato, threw them back to their parents and head for the EXIT!