I was going through a phase in the last few weeks. My friends told me I've been behaving even more strangely than usual. I seemed to have gone fron just plain wierd to freaky wierd - with my anti-social behaviour, my incoherent rambling conversations, and my meanderings on my blog. (Hey! Maybe I'm slipping into insanity!)
Maybe it's because I've had too much time on my hands, and thinking too much. Maybe it's the series of incidents that have transpired over the last few months that have provoked my dormant brains and exposed certain issues in my life that need taking care of. Maybe it's that time of the year for deep self reflection. maybe it's because I'm fast approaching the big 3-0 and I feel the need for an internal overhaul of sorts. Whatever the inexplicable reason, be warned that I'm currently in hibernation mode....
Throughout this period, I've undergone a journey of self-discosvery of sorts. What I've realised and discovered about myself has been more shocking and sobering than anything else. The picture on the outside may have been pretty, but on the inside, it's a festering of all sorts of issues, attitude problems, character flaws and bad habits. The stench from the all this rubbish is overpowering and I'm almost gagging from it. And if not taken care of soon, this festering rancid mess will soon eats its way through the rest of Me, turning what is good into that which is putrid and rotten and bitter. Things I've been running away from, acting like an ostrich , thinking everything's a-ok just because my head's buried in sand, but not realising that my big fat butt's sticking out for the world to see!
I've been believing in illusions, the fool I am, instead of keeping my eyes firmly fixed on what is real, and having my feet planted on firm and solid ground. I've been thinking myself invincible, and smarter and better than I really am, not realising my own pithy pathetic limitations, choosing instead to play with fire. (For all you children at home, take it from me, if you play with fire, you will surely get burnt!) And instead of cherishing and appreciating all the blessings in my life, I've been neglectful and conptemptous of all the wonderful people who have been such a great help and support, and have been there for me all my life.
I could go on and on. The list is endless really. And I'm humbled, really humbled by the amount of work that needs to be done in my life, to transform me into a decent human being. Really. I am surely a "work-in-progress" right now, and i'm in dire need of a major re-constructive effort. An effort involving the placement of good strong values and principles as firm foundations; the re-fitting of new thinking patterns and mindsets; the sandpapering and filing away of rough edges of old bad attitudes. The brand new Me will be able to stand firm and strong against all the elements.
Like the classic tale of The Three Little Pigs, how we build is important. Otherwise, with a huff and a puff, by the hair of my cheeny chin chin, we can easily be blown over and collapse into a heap of dust and rubble.
So, for now, Ah Girl is currently under construction. be patient with me, because I am still a "work-in-progress". In due time, I will unveil myself to reveal a spanking brand new and gorgeous work of art. Just you wait and see....
Disclaimer: I know there are a lot of mixed metaphors in here. But what the heck, are you the author of this blog, or am I?!
Monday, January 23, 2006
Starry starry night....
A recent email from a good friend reminded me about one of my favourtite artists - Vincent Van Gogh. However you may choose to pronounce his name, I don't care, but to me, his works have been an inspiration in my humdrum and pathetic existence.
Being the layman, I have absolutely no idea why Vincent's paintings hold me in such fascination. There are indoubtedly other better, and greater painters in existence, and yet every time I see his Sunflowers or his Starry Night, something wierd seems to happen inside me. The paintings are so beautiful, and yet possess such depth and such pathos. I always walk away feeling a poignancy. Every single time.
Such a brilliant and amazing artist, yet he lived the last 10 years of his life in deep dark madness, shut up in an asylum somewhere, and finally shooting himself at the age of 37.
Brilliance has to pay a price. Many say that Vincent's talent was attributed to his worsening mental condition; that it was the cocktail of disease, drugs, and chemicals that influenced his vision and therefore his art form.
Given a choice, would you have chosen brilliance, living and ending life with a burst and a bang? Or would you rather live the long happy life of a simpleton?
Vincent
By Don McLean
Starry starry night
Paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer’s day
With eyes know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
In colors on the snowy linen land
Now I understand what you try to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now
Starry starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent’s eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the aritist’s loving hand
For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left inside on that starry starry night
You took your life as lovers often do
But I could have told you Vincent
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you
Starry starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heats on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can’t forget
Like the strangers that you ‘ve met
The ragged man in ragged clothes
A silver thorn in a bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow
Now I think I know what you try to say to me
That how you suffered for your sanity
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you try to set them free
They would not listen they’ve not listening still
Perhaps they never will
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Miles to go before I sleep....
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
Excerpt from Robert Frost's Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
Excerpt from Robert Frost's Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
The question that stopped me in my tracks...
Somebody asked me this question, and for once, I had no reply....
I was asked, "Can I entrust you with my life?"
I had no answer to that.
Can people trust me with their lives?
I was asked, "Can I entrust you with my life?"
I had no answer to that.
Can people trust me with their lives?
Friday, January 20, 2006
Be careful what you wish for....
I wished a little wish sometime ago - I wished that I was a person with depth. I didn't want to be as superficial and as flippant as I was. While fun is still fun, there are certain things in life that shouldn't be brushed aside as easily and quickly, and taken a little bit more seriously. There're stuff that we should take time to mull over, to ponder, to think, and to chew over. I think people call it 'character'. I wanted to have a bit of a character.
Character is like the silver thread that is that runs through a piece of fabric. It is interwovened into the fabric, intertwining with other duller and coarser threads, but it stands out because of its colour, its texture. Its brilliance sets it apart from the rest of what surrounds it.
A silver thread of character - of integrity, of nobility, of great worth - that was my little wish, for myself.
Character is like the silver thread that is that runs through a piece of fabric. It is interwovened into the fabric, intertwining with other duller and coarser threads, but it stands out because of its colour, its texture. Its brilliance sets it apart from the rest of what surrounds it.
A silver thread of character - of integrity, of nobility, of great worth - that was my little wish, for myself.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Will the real Me please stand up?
Am I who I really am?
Or am I subconsciously, or even consciously, playing the part of the person I want to be, and not who I really am.
That sounds a trifle convulated doesn't it?!
That thought popped up in my mind when one day, faced with a situation which was slightly uniques, I responded or reacted totally out of character. I ask myself thereafter, now how did that come about? Do I have a hidden alter ego who is just waiting for the first opportunity to surface? Do I have a Mr Hyde to my Dr Jekyll? Am I being Me, or am I just pretending to be somebody else?
So, the question remains, who am I? Will the real me please stand up?
It is trully a scary thought to find Myself being exposed in front of Me like that. I am starting to see a deeper, darker, and an inexplicable side of myself that I've never seen before. I've exposed myself for the little fraud that I am! (Don't judge me! Aren't you guilty too of being a fraud yourself?!) I was actually quite traumatised by myself. So, after having seen reality for what it is, what's the next step? Do I continue faking it? Or do I make adjustments? And how?
I think, at the end of the day, despite all that I've said, I still value honesty, sincerity, nobility blah blah blah above everything and anything else. (I told you I was stupid!)
In the meantime, until I attain that heightened state of enlightenment or whatever you may call it, will the real me please stand in the corner and face the wall, until she can behave herself!
Or am I subconsciously, or even consciously, playing the part of the person I want to be, and not who I really am.
That sounds a trifle convulated doesn't it?!
That thought popped up in my mind when one day, faced with a situation which was slightly uniques, I responded or reacted totally out of character. I ask myself thereafter, now how did that come about? Do I have a hidden alter ego who is just waiting for the first opportunity to surface? Do I have a Mr Hyde to my Dr Jekyll? Am I being Me, or am I just pretending to be somebody else?
So, the question remains, who am I? Will the real me please stand up?
It is trully a scary thought to find Myself being exposed in front of Me like that. I am starting to see a deeper, darker, and an inexplicable side of myself that I've never seen before. I've exposed myself for the little fraud that I am! (Don't judge me! Aren't you guilty too of being a fraud yourself?!) I was actually quite traumatised by myself. So, after having seen reality for what it is, what's the next step? Do I continue faking it? Or do I make adjustments? And how?
I think, at the end of the day, despite all that I've said, I still value honesty, sincerity, nobility blah blah blah above everything and anything else. (I told you I was stupid!)
In the meantime, until I attain that heightened state of enlightenment or whatever you may call it, will the real me please stand in the corner and face the wall, until she can behave herself!
Monday, January 16, 2006
People change, but not much...
People change, but not much....
As much as we try, it's sometimes impossible to change what we've always hated about ourselves. Sometimes it's a bad habit, which is easy enough to change I guess. At other times, it's a character flaw, which is really not all that easy to get rid of, despite our best efforts.
So is the maxim really true, that a leopard will never ever change its spots? Is my genetic make-up such that, I will be this way forever and ever, amen?
I will like to think that it's not the case of course. I will change and become a better man. I will become bigger, better, wiser with time. But then again, at other times, I'm not so sure.
Can people change if they truly and really want to? Or are our best efforts a waste of our freaking time?
Well, if people take eons just to change that little but, can somebody please tell me how do we create that impetus or catalyst, to finally make that change?
I want to change... Really truly...
As much as we try, it's sometimes impossible to change what we've always hated about ourselves. Sometimes it's a bad habit, which is easy enough to change I guess. At other times, it's a character flaw, which is really not all that easy to get rid of, despite our best efforts.
So is the maxim really true, that a leopard will never ever change its spots? Is my genetic make-up such that, I will be this way forever and ever, amen?
I will like to think that it's not the case of course. I will change and become a better man. I will become bigger, better, wiser with time. But then again, at other times, I'm not so sure.
Can people change if they truly and really want to? Or are our best efforts a waste of our freaking time?
Well, if people take eons just to change that little but, can somebody please tell me how do we create that impetus or catalyst, to finally make that change?
I want to change... Really truly...
Saturday, January 14, 2006
People will be people....
Things I've learnt about people.....
- People are complicated
- People are clever
- Clever people can be stupid
- Stupid people are always stupid
- And I'm stupider than I ever thought I was
I learnt more about people in the last few months than I've ever learnt in my entire lifetime, and I'm freaking 28 by the way!
And for all of those who thought the above was pretty much common knowledge, WHY THE HECK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EARLIER?! You could have saved me the freaking trouble of learning it for myself!
Oh yeah, by the way... For those of you who know Eeeeeeeee, I'll teach you something really cool... Just try pouring some water on her desk,and see her throw a hissy fit. Very entertaining, I assure you.
Disclaimer: By the way, there's no such word as 'stupider'. Feel free to learn my bad English, but don't lay the blame at my door!
- People are complicated
- People are clever
- Clever people can be stupid
- Stupid people are always stupid
- And I'm stupider than I ever thought I was
I learnt more about people in the last few months than I've ever learnt in my entire lifetime, and I'm freaking 28 by the way!
And for all of those who thought the above was pretty much common knowledge, WHY THE HECK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EARLIER?! You could have saved me the freaking trouble of learning it for myself!
Oh yeah, by the way... For those of you who know Eeeeeeeee, I'll teach you something really cool... Just try pouring some water on her desk,and see her throw a hissy fit. Very entertaining, I assure you.
Disclaimer: By the way, there's no such word as 'stupider'. Feel free to learn my bad English, but don't lay the blame at my door!
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
My greatest fear....
My greatest fear is coming true... I am becoming BORING!
*Throws myself on the floor in a hissy fit, heels kicking and fists beating against the floor, with face scrunched up into a constipated look, and emitting a high-pitched soundless scream*
I blame the good life that I have been enjoying. Too much sleep and good food, and the visibly decreased lack of opportunities to make fun of and to harrass and drive people up the wall, have caused my brain to atrophied and become soft and mushy! (Like a big soft marshmellow! Yum!)
As a result, my witty sarcastic and acerbic comebacks have become less forthcoming and definitely mild, too mild actually. People think I'm becoming nicer, but no, the truth is, I'm actually becoming stupider, thus explaining my recent spate of "niceness" and my mild, lame, out-of-the-mill and colourless remarks in any conversation.
How how HOW?! HOW?! I don't want to waste away into a giant walking marshmellow, with no original thought to call my own, and only quoting liners verbatim from stuff that I watch on TV. With nary a single original or creative thought in my little marshmellow brain, with the eyes of a dead fish that are glazed over and unseeing, with a personality that is colourless and lifeless and merely feeding on other people's vitality and personalities, just like a feeding parasite.
OH MY GOD! The very thought is disgusting, repugnant! I think I rather kill myself than to live like that! Somebody please just kill me! *Bangs head on the wall*
WAIT! I think I have a cunning plan! I think I will make it my life's mission (well, at this point anyway!) to just bug the living daylights out of my friends, to feed off their elixir of life. I will talk to them on MSN, I will bug them over breakfast, lunch and dinners! Watch out! The big giant Parasite is out on the prowl for victims to feed off, to suck the juices of life out of them! Muahahahhaa!!!
Disclaimer: The author is at this point suffering from severe duress as a result of too much play. The author should resume normality once she starts taking the madness suppressants that have been administered to her by friends who can no longer take any more of her madness.
*Throws myself on the floor in a hissy fit, heels kicking and fists beating against the floor, with face scrunched up into a constipated look, and emitting a high-pitched soundless scream*
I blame the good life that I have been enjoying. Too much sleep and good food, and the visibly decreased lack of opportunities to make fun of and to harrass and drive people up the wall, have caused my brain to atrophied and become soft and mushy! (Like a big soft marshmellow! Yum!)
As a result, my witty sarcastic and acerbic comebacks have become less forthcoming and definitely mild, too mild actually. People think I'm becoming nicer, but no, the truth is, I'm actually becoming stupider, thus explaining my recent spate of "niceness" and my mild, lame, out-of-the-mill and colourless remarks in any conversation.
How how HOW?! HOW?! I don't want to waste away into a giant walking marshmellow, with no original thought to call my own, and only quoting liners verbatim from stuff that I watch on TV. With nary a single original or creative thought in my little marshmellow brain, with the eyes of a dead fish that are glazed over and unseeing, with a personality that is colourless and lifeless and merely feeding on other people's vitality and personalities, just like a feeding parasite.
OH MY GOD! The very thought is disgusting, repugnant! I think I rather kill myself than to live like that! Somebody please just kill me! *Bangs head on the wall*
WAIT! I think I have a cunning plan! I think I will make it my life's mission (well, at this point anyway!) to just bug the living daylights out of my friends, to feed off their elixir of life. I will talk to them on MSN, I will bug them over breakfast, lunch and dinners! Watch out! The big giant Parasite is out on the prowl for victims to feed off, to suck the juices of life out of them! Muahahahhaa!!!
Disclaimer: The author is at this point suffering from severe duress as a result of too much play. The author should resume normality once she starts taking the madness suppressants that have been administered to her by friends who can no longer take any more of her madness.
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