"I think I can... I think I can... I think I can... I think I can..." and so chuffed Thomas the Tank Engine.
After my last very depressing blog, I've had comments from friends asking me to buck up, and buck up I shall!
But seriously, it's not as easy as I'm making it sound, this personal attempt at "bucking up". It's not as if I just got out of bed one morning, and everything has turned the right way round again.
Inspirational shows and pep talks can only do so much for one, but one slides right back into the hole from which one crawled out of, after the hype and the fizz from these temporary measures have disappeared. In fact, I feel worse because the hype bubbles burst leaving me even more bewildered and confused.
And that was what's been happening to me. And my desperate attempts at saving myself from slipping into that deep dark hole of deep dark feelings were quite futile. I just felt worse every time.
Like I mentioned the last time, I felt like I was existing for the mere sake of existing you see. Take away my work, my friends, and I found that I was left with nothing in myself. My worth seemed to be in the things I do and the people I surround myself with. Outside of that, I had no personal worth. I didn't believe in myself, I don't like myself, I couldn't imagine the possibility of tomorrow being a better day.
But maybe it was a good thing. Because I came to the end of myself, and had to face myself for what I really am, for the very first time.
And what they say is true, truth hurts. Especially if it's about yourself.
For a while, I felt even worse. I mean, I already got to the point where I thought my existence was non-essential. Worse still, now I think my existence in fact makes the world a worse place. At least, that's what I thought.
But the incredible thing about truth is, after the hurt comes the healing.
I am still very much feeling raw and bruised from all that self-revelations I made myself face recently. But the incredible thing is, I also feel a sense of release, a lifting of burden for I'm now free from all pretensions and superficiality and lies.
And now, it's time to start afresh and anew.
It's still not easy. I still have my bad days. But at least, I seem to have re-discovered hope.
Because, you see, hope is what keeps us alive...
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
I think therefore I am?
A rare thought's just come to mind.
"I think, and therefore I am."
Since I think about nothing, I therefore am not?
Don't laugh. I am actually seriously pondering over the above question. Because I don't feel real anymore. I may look like and act like and move like an actual person, but I don't think I really exist at all.
Is there such a thing as merely existing, just for the sake of existing.
Because if there is such a thing, that's what I'm doing then, merely existing.
Because if there is such a thing, it's a pathetic thing that's happening to me, and possibly loads of other people out there who are probably doing the same thing as I am, but who just don't know it yet.
Because if there is such a thing, then I guess that while I'm technically alive, I'm actually a walking corpse, with no thoughts, no feelings, nothing. Just emptiness.
And you know what the scary thing is, I'm not reacting to that idea at all. In fact, I don't think I feel a thing.
"I think, and therefore I am."
Since I think about nothing, I therefore am not?
Don't laugh. I am actually seriously pondering over the above question. Because I don't feel real anymore. I may look like and act like and move like an actual person, but I don't think I really exist at all.
Is there such a thing as merely existing, just for the sake of existing.
Because if there is such a thing, that's what I'm doing then, merely existing.
Because if there is such a thing, it's a pathetic thing that's happening to me, and possibly loads of other people out there who are probably doing the same thing as I am, but who just don't know it yet.
Because if there is such a thing, then I guess that while I'm technically alive, I'm actually a walking corpse, with no thoughts, no feelings, nothing. Just emptiness.
And you know what the scary thing is, I'm not reacting to that idea at all. In fact, I don't think I feel a thing.
Friday, June 16, 2006
A temporary happiness....
I is a happy girl. For now anyway. Or at least, for the next couple of days.
Because I managed to foraged out not one, but two wonderful Jasper Fforde's books at the Library.
I will be ensconced comfortably in a big armchair and reading them for the next couple of days. Heck, I've half tempted to even cancel all my appointments, just to read them.
Well, at least boredom and depression will be staved off for the next couple of days!
Yay!
Because I managed to foraged out not one, but two wonderful Jasper Fforde's books at the Library.
I will be ensconced comfortably in a big armchair and reading them for the next couple of days. Heck, I've half tempted to even cancel all my appointments, just to read them.
Well, at least boredom and depression will be staved off for the next couple of days!
Yay!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Anti-Climax, Defined
E, Wee and Me are all going Bintan this weekend....
But we're all going with different people and staying at different places...
It's almost like saying, "Let's sleep together. But in different beds."
Geez, what an anti-climax.
But we're all going with different people and staying at different places...
It's almost like saying, "Let's sleep together. But in different beds."
Geez, what an anti-climax.
Dreams will keep us alive.....
And so the song goes.....
So I think I should start remembering my dreams, or the ones that I co-own with some of my friends, in order to work myself out of my rut....
So here goes, in no order of any sort.....
- Building a library named after me, and another like-minded friend, because we both love books It's like fulfilling my dream of having my home filled from floor to ceiling with books and more books, just on a bigger scale, and just that strangers are allowed to borrow them
- Building a swimming pool, and having it named after me, and the same friend as above, because we both also love swimming I think I'll have the library next to the swimming pool.
- Owning an entire apartment block and giving units out to my friends, so that the people I care about will be in close proximity and we can play togther E, Wee, Gar, G, Michael and Vicky and Kang Kang will all have a unit of their own. But if we quarrel right, I will kick you out of the building! Hahahahah
- Owning my own deserted island where I can go away when I want to get away from the rest of the freaking world
- Be rich and powerful and amazing so I can do what the Queen of Hearts did in Alice in Wonderland, and say "off with their heads!"! There's a list of people whose heads I want chopped off at this point of time, because I can't stand them and I want to them to grovel at my feet, and because I'm feeling grouchy and evil and haven't dealt thoroughly with the issues I have with these people.
- Be skinny! Ha ha ha ha ha... I'm just curious what it feels like to be skinny. For that matter, I'm also curious as to what it'll feel like to be a man and have a ding-dong, or to have big boobs. But these dreams can only be fulfilled by plastic surgery, but the one in bold, there's a possibility of that happening, provided I just stop eating. Period.
- World peace!
So I think I should start remembering my dreams, or the ones that I co-own with some of my friends, in order to work myself out of my rut....
So here goes, in no order of any sort.....
- Building a library named after me, and another like-minded friend, because we both love books It's like fulfilling my dream of having my home filled from floor to ceiling with books and more books, just on a bigger scale, and just that strangers are allowed to borrow them
- Building a swimming pool, and having it named after me, and the same friend as above, because we both also love swimming I think I'll have the library next to the swimming pool.
- Owning an entire apartment block and giving units out to my friends, so that the people I care about will be in close proximity and we can play togther E, Wee, Gar, G, Michael and Vicky and Kang Kang will all have a unit of their own. But if we quarrel right, I will kick you out of the building! Hahahahah
- Owning my own deserted island where I can go away when I want to get away from the rest of the freaking world
- Be rich and powerful and amazing so I can do what the Queen of Hearts did in Alice in Wonderland, and say "off with their heads!"! There's a list of people whose heads I want chopped off at this point of time, because I can't stand them and I want to them to grovel at my feet, and because I'm feeling grouchy and evil and haven't dealt thoroughly with the issues I have with these people.
- Be skinny! Ha ha ha ha ha... I'm just curious what it feels like to be skinny. For that matter, I'm also curious as to what it'll feel like to be a man and have a ding-dong, or to have big boobs. But these dreams can only be fulfilled by plastic surgery, but the one in bold, there's a possibility of that happening, provided I just stop eating. Period.
- World peace!
Life sucks!
And that's an understatement!
Hahahaa...
I seem to be filling up my blog with pretty depressing angsty stuff lately. (By the way, it's "angst-y" and not "ang-sty", ladies and germs!)
So my blog is not only pathetic, it's now full of angst and depressing as well.
More ha ha ha-ing...
And the funny thing is, everbody around me seems depressed as well.
Well, depression comes in many forms and takes on many shapes.
For me, I'm gaining weight because I'm too depressed (and too sick as well) to exercise. So all I seem to do all day is to sit on my butt, and eat, and sniff and cough and whine.
For some other people (hmph!), they lose weight when they're depressed. They also change their jobs and paint their nails slut-red at the same time.
Some of us MSN non-stop when depressed, exchanging juicy gossip about their boss, and making fun of irritating male colleagues in the work place. They also laugh a lot, and their eyes look even bigger and more bambi-like.
The richer ones go to beach resorts all over the world, and tan almost naked. The word "almost" is very critical apparently. Although, to me, naked and almost naked is almost the same thing. (2cm of cloth a lot of difference meh?!)
Omigod, I'm beginning to sound like Mary Alice in Desperate Housewives! You know how she does that running commentary thing at the beginning and at the end of every episode? Oh crap!
I think I'm becoming one of those people that you didn't want to be when you were young and good-looking and enjoying yourself. I'm becoming old and fat and boring and stoopid and grouchy and grumpy. Somebody please kill me and end my misery!!
Speaking of dying, how many pills does one have to pop before one dies of drug overdose? I think I'll google that and check it out....
But then, E and I already made plans, to jump together off Niang's flat onto the jogging track below. But Niang too busy to entertain our suicide requests nowadays. (Can you imagine, waddling quite happily on jogging track, and then suddenly 2 bodies are hurled to the ground, one after the other. I think will be traumatised for life eh!)
I'm convinced dying's still the best way of solving one's problems. It may be a selfish thing to inflict on loved ones, not to mention it being morally suspect, but it's definitely effective in terms of eliminating life's miseries.
Killing the people who hurt us or caused us to be depressed is another way. Let me count the number of people I have to kill... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...... Oh forget it, it's too much hassle. And after killing them, I'll get more depressed because I have to spend the rest of my life in a little cell and be somebody's bitch.
Or you can do what I've been doing, shutting myself at home and indulging in therapy time - watching TV, laughing myself silly reading funny books, and harassing my friends online, sexually or otherwise, and just shutting out the world until I feel mentally and emotionally better able to deal with all the crap.
In the meantime, I'm eternally grateful to all my friends who have been acquiescing to my constant requests for entertainment, whether on Instant Messaging or face-to-face. They have their own lives and their own troubles and their own miseries, but they let me pretend that I'm the most miserable person on the whole earth, and let me whine and gripe and complain away. Sometimes, if they're depressed too, we take turns to complain.
Hahahaaa
Well, I guess life's not that bad after all.
It could be a lot worse. I could have no friends to hear me complain.
And if that happens, I think I'll really kill myself....
Hahahaa...
I seem to be filling up my blog with pretty depressing angsty stuff lately. (By the way, it's "angst-y" and not "ang-sty", ladies and germs!)
So my blog is not only pathetic, it's now full of angst and depressing as well.
More ha ha ha-ing...
And the funny thing is, everbody around me seems depressed as well.
Well, depression comes in many forms and takes on many shapes.
For me, I'm gaining weight because I'm too depressed (and too sick as well) to exercise. So all I seem to do all day is to sit on my butt, and eat, and sniff and cough and whine.
For some other people (hmph!), they lose weight when they're depressed. They also change their jobs and paint their nails slut-red at the same time.
Some of us MSN non-stop when depressed, exchanging juicy gossip about their boss, and making fun of irritating male colleagues in the work place. They also laugh a lot, and their eyes look even bigger and more bambi-like.
The richer ones go to beach resorts all over the world, and tan almost naked. The word "almost" is very critical apparently. Although, to me, naked and almost naked is almost the same thing. (2cm of cloth a lot of difference meh?!)
Omigod, I'm beginning to sound like Mary Alice in Desperate Housewives! You know how she does that running commentary thing at the beginning and at the end of every episode? Oh crap!
I think I'm becoming one of those people that you didn't want to be when you were young and good-looking and enjoying yourself. I'm becoming old and fat and boring and stoopid and grouchy and grumpy. Somebody please kill me and end my misery!!
Speaking of dying, how many pills does one have to pop before one dies of drug overdose? I think I'll google that and check it out....
But then, E and I already made plans, to jump together off Niang's flat onto the jogging track below. But Niang too busy to entertain our suicide requests nowadays. (Can you imagine, waddling quite happily on jogging track, and then suddenly 2 bodies are hurled to the ground, one after the other. I think will be traumatised for life eh!)
I'm convinced dying's still the best way of solving one's problems. It may be a selfish thing to inflict on loved ones, not to mention it being morally suspect, but it's definitely effective in terms of eliminating life's miseries.
Killing the people who hurt us or caused us to be depressed is another way. Let me count the number of people I have to kill... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...... Oh forget it, it's too much hassle. And after killing them, I'll get more depressed because I have to spend the rest of my life in a little cell and be somebody's bitch.
Or you can do what I've been doing, shutting myself at home and indulging in therapy time - watching TV, laughing myself silly reading funny books, and harassing my friends online, sexually or otherwise, and just shutting out the world until I feel mentally and emotionally better able to deal with all the crap.
In the meantime, I'm eternally grateful to all my friends who have been acquiescing to my constant requests for entertainment, whether on Instant Messaging or face-to-face. They have their own lives and their own troubles and their own miseries, but they let me pretend that I'm the most miserable person on the whole earth, and let me whine and gripe and complain away. Sometimes, if they're depressed too, we take turns to complain.
Hahahaaa
Well, I guess life's not that bad after all.
It could be a lot worse. I could have no friends to hear me complain.
And if that happens, I think I'll really kill myself....
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
I think I'm depressed.....
I think I'm depressed, and I need comforting....
I'm depressed that I'm only left with 2 miserable ardent fans for my blog - Niang and E! (I must say that It's a sort of relief too. It means I can start saying things which I was afraid to write before...)
I hate being surrounded by the grey walls and grey ceiling and grey everything in the office. And the fact that there's no window where I can see outside makes it worse. I feel like a chicken in a coop!
Being sick is beastly. I alternate between cough cough cough and sniff sniff sniff. And having a cough means I can't drink cold beverages! Argh!!!!
I'm depressed because I'm fat. I'm fat because I depressed. Hahahaa....
I'm depressed because I'm bored!
I'm depressed because I'm depressed!
I'm depressed that I'm only left with 2 miserable ardent fans for my blog - Niang and E! (I must say that It's a sort of relief too. It means I can start saying things which I was afraid to write before...)
I hate being surrounded by the grey walls and grey ceiling and grey everything in the office. And the fact that there's no window where I can see outside makes it worse. I feel like a chicken in a coop!
Being sick is beastly. I alternate between cough cough cough and sniff sniff sniff. And having a cough means I can't drink cold beverages! Argh!!!!
I'm depressed because I'm fat. I'm fat because I depressed. Hahahaa....
I'm depressed because I'm bored!
I'm depressed because I'm depressed!
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
High on medication...
It's nice to be sick sometimes...
While I definitely don't enjoy the cough cough cough and the runny nose and the fever and the aches, it's nice to be able to stay home and chill once in a while, and for 2 days in a row too, albeit having to still work and respond to emails, at least I am working in relative comfort, and I get to enjoy some sunlight.
While convalescing at home, I get to watch loads of TV shows. After all, what do you expect a convalascent to do? Clean the house, wash clothes, exercise? No way! I'm just going to slouch into my chair and watch Taiwanese drama serials, Taiwanese variety shows, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model search (ohh la la!!), soppy soap operas like The Bold and Beautiful (when i feel the need for something soporific), Travel & Living and cartoons.
I just love Taiwan. Taiwan has my vote for being the most entertaining country in the world. Everything about the country is entertaining - the food, the shows, and even more so, the politicians. I love the country, and I haven't even stepped foot on the soil yet.
Its variety shows are just so evilly funny - but then I guess I enjoy it because I'm evil lah. The bitchier, the cheekier and the more evil they are, the more I love it. I know Jacky Wu is one unsavoury character, but I can't fault his charmingly evil wit and sense of humour. I said I like my men to be funny, and I'm not joking. I'll be like melted butter in his hands if I ever get the chance, never mind the fact that I'm taller than him and that he likes beautiful slim women. Hahaaa...
Besides Jacky Wu, I also have the hots for one of his sidekicks, Kang Kang. According to all and sundry, Kang Kang is one of the ugliest people that ever lived. Not to mention uncouth and sloppy and almost a neanderthal . But you know what they say about love being blind. I get turned on every time he does his retarded laugh and acting like a witless Idiot Boy.
I seem to have the wierdest taste in men huh?
The Bold and the Beautiful... I have no freaking idea what the show is about, except that it's filled with oh-so-beautiful plastic people. It's like watching Barbie and Ken and all their plastic friends come alive and living gasp real lives. Everytime I watch it, I want to throw myself against a hard brick wall, hoping to knock myself unconscious to save myself the misery. Oh, and by the way, have you noticed the number of peroxide blondes they have on the show?! Sheesh!
OK! Time to go and watch more TV. I think they have The Amazing Adventure of Superman and His Friends, coming right up, after a commercial break! Yahooo!
While I definitely don't enjoy the cough cough cough and the runny nose and the fever and the aches, it's nice to be able to stay home and chill once in a while, and for 2 days in a row too, albeit having to still work and respond to emails, at least I am working in relative comfort, and I get to enjoy some sunlight.
While convalescing at home, I get to watch loads of TV shows. After all, what do you expect a convalascent to do? Clean the house, wash clothes, exercise? No way! I'm just going to slouch into my chair and watch Taiwanese drama serials, Taiwanese variety shows, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model search (ohh la la!!), soppy soap operas like The Bold and Beautiful (when i feel the need for something soporific), Travel & Living and cartoons.
I just love Taiwan. Taiwan has my vote for being the most entertaining country in the world. Everything about the country is entertaining - the food, the shows, and even more so, the politicians. I love the country, and I haven't even stepped foot on the soil yet.
Its variety shows are just so evilly funny - but then I guess I enjoy it because I'm evil lah. The bitchier, the cheekier and the more evil they are, the more I love it. I know Jacky Wu is one unsavoury character, but I can't fault his charmingly evil wit and sense of humour. I said I like my men to be funny, and I'm not joking. I'll be like melted butter in his hands if I ever get the chance, never mind the fact that I'm taller than him and that he likes beautiful slim women. Hahaaa...
Besides Jacky Wu, I also have the hots for one of his sidekicks, Kang Kang. According to all and sundry, Kang Kang is one of the ugliest people that ever lived. Not to mention uncouth and sloppy and almost a neanderthal . But you know what they say about love being blind. I get turned on every time he does his retarded laugh and acting like a witless Idiot Boy.
I seem to have the wierdest taste in men huh?
The Bold and the Beautiful... I have no freaking idea what the show is about, except that it's filled with oh-so-beautiful plastic people. It's like watching Barbie and Ken and all their plastic friends come alive and living gasp real lives. Everytime I watch it, I want to throw myself against a hard brick wall, hoping to knock myself unconscious to save myself the misery. Oh, and by the way, have you noticed the number of peroxide blondes they have on the show?! Sheesh!
OK! Time to go and watch more TV. I think they have The Amazing Adventure of Superman and His Friends, coming right up, after a commercial break! Yahooo!
My blog is patheic...
I repeat, my blog is pathetic....
And so Niang says....
And I can't help but agree with her, since it's been almost a month since I last updated it. And even before that, my entries can at best be described as, erratic and spasmodic. (It almost sounds like my blog is suffering from some kind of disease doesn't it? "Erractic and spasmodic, with tendencies of feverishness and peevishness..")
And, it hasn't even been a year!
Hahahahaahaaa....
I used to be addicted to blogging, blogging 4 to 5 times a day when I'm on a roll.
Maybe I had more time on my hands then.
Or maybe I just had to jump on the blogging bandwagon, since everybody I knew was doing it.
Or was it because I wanted some place to spout my philosophical crap.
Or possibly, I was going through a phase of much-needed catharsis, and pouring out my thoughts onto an inanimate web log was my way of making sense of my life, and keeping sane.
All pretty plausible explanations...
Then how come the sudden freezing up like a clam?
I have absolutely no idea. I just don't feel like it I guess.
There's nothing that I feel the need to get off my chest at this point, or want to share with the world. Heck, in fact, I'm not exactly very sociable right now, whether in real life or on cyberspace. I guess that explains my reticence.
I could let spew a whole lot of half-hearted nonsense about everything and yet nothing in particular. But you clever folks will probably see right through me in a jiffy.
So I rather just lie low for a bit, and let the stuff that is brewing in my head take its time to come to some kind of conclusion. Who knows how long it's going to take though.... But have no fear, in the words of a famous all brawn and no brains action hero, "I'll be back.".
And so Niang says....
And I can't help but agree with her, since it's been almost a month since I last updated it. And even before that, my entries can at best be described as, erratic and spasmodic. (It almost sounds like my blog is suffering from some kind of disease doesn't it? "Erractic and spasmodic, with tendencies of feverishness and peevishness..")
And, it hasn't even been a year!
Hahahahaahaaa....
I used to be addicted to blogging, blogging 4 to 5 times a day when I'm on a roll.
Maybe I had more time on my hands then.
Or maybe I just had to jump on the blogging bandwagon, since everybody I knew was doing it.
Or was it because I wanted some place to spout my philosophical crap.
Or possibly, I was going through a phase of much-needed catharsis, and pouring out my thoughts onto an inanimate web log was my way of making sense of my life, and keeping sane.
All pretty plausible explanations...
Then how come the sudden freezing up like a clam?
I have absolutely no idea. I just don't feel like it I guess.
There's nothing that I feel the need to get off my chest at this point, or want to share with the world. Heck, in fact, I'm not exactly very sociable right now, whether in real life or on cyberspace. I guess that explains my reticence.
I could let spew a whole lot of half-hearted nonsense about everything and yet nothing in particular. But you clever folks will probably see right through me in a jiffy.
So I rather just lie low for a bit, and let the stuff that is brewing in my head take its time to come to some kind of conclusion. Who knows how long it's going to take though.... But have no fear, in the words of a famous all brawn and no brains action hero, "I'll be back.".
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