I think I can...

"I think I can... I think I can... I think I can... I think I can..." and so chuffed Thomas the Tank Engine.

After my last very depressing blog, I've had comments from friends asking me to buck up, and buck up I shall!

But seriously, it's not as easy as I'm making it sound, this personal attempt at "bucking up". It's not as if I just got out of bed one morning, and everything has turned the right way round again.

Inspirational shows and pep talks can only do so much for one, but one slides right back into the hole from which one crawled out of, after the hype and the fizz from these temporary measures have disappeared. In fact, I feel worse because the hype bubbles burst leaving me even more bewildered and confused.

And that was what's been happening to me. And my desperate attempts at saving myself from slipping into that deep dark hole of deep dark feelings were quite futile. I just felt worse every time.

Like I mentioned the last time, I felt like I was existing for the mere sake of existing you see. Take away my work, my friends, and I found that I was left with nothing in myself. My worth seemed to be in the things I do and the people I surround myself with. Outside of that, I had no personal worth. I didn't believe in myself, I don't like myself, I couldn't imagine the possibility of tomorrow being a better day.

But maybe it was a good thing. Because I came to the end of myself, and had to face myself for what I really am, for the very first time.

And what they say is true, truth hurts. Especially if it's about yourself.

For a while, I felt even worse. I mean, I already got to the point where I thought my existence was non-essential. Worse still, now I think my existence in fact makes the world a worse place. At least, that's what I thought.

But the incredible thing about truth is, after the hurt comes the healing.

I am still very much feeling raw and bruised from all that self-revelations I made myself face recently. But the incredible thing is, I also feel a sense of release, a lifting of burden for I'm now free from all pretensions and superficiality and lies.

And now, it's time to start afresh and anew.

It's still not easy. I still have my bad days. But at least, I seem to have re-discovered hope.

Because, you see, hope is what keeps us alive...