See it as it is...

People lie.

We lie.

We lie to our bosses, our colleagues, our friends, our families, our loved ones, about ourselves.

Sometimes, we even lie to ourselves, about ourselves.

We tell ourselves we're good, we're great, we're wonderful. And we tell that to ourselves very loudly, in order to drown the soft small voice in our hearts that disagree with us.

We perform acts of charity to show ourselves and the world that we're really nice, caring people who make the world a better place. We tell ourselves that what we do are acts of sacrifice for other people. But what we really want is some form of validation because we don't love ourselves enough.

And so, we boast, we brag, we perform, we promote, we advertise, we aggrandize, we fake, we crow, we flaunt, we exaggerate.

We tell ourselves that we'll be perfect and our lives will be so much more glamourous and exciting, if only our thighs are that slimmer, our breasts bigger, our noses sharper, our lips poutier.

We think that we'll be all the better off with the right clothes and shoes and handbags and jewellery. We don on make-up and tease our hair to incredible shapes to be that someone we've always wanted to be, that someone who is everyone else but ourself.

We hide. We dare not speak up. We're apologetic about our own ideas and our own opinions and who we are. And so, we downplay ourselves in our interactions with people, professionally and socially.

We change and adjust ourselves to please everybody and end up not pleasing anybody at all, hating ourselves and losing our identities, our personalities in a chameleon-like display of all the conceivable colours and textures that we know of, that is however as fleeting and as unsubstantial as the pretty but washed-out colours of a rainbow on a rainy day.

And all because we don't think that we're not good enough, for the job, for the partner, for the world, and we try to possess things and do the things to make ourselves 'good enough'.

And so, we devalue, we undermine, we cheapen, we debase, we bemean, we diminish, we ruin.

And we pendulate between the two extremes, alternating between hating ourselves and narcissism.

The truth.

We need to see ourselves for who and what we really are. To remove the trappings we hide behind to see and recognise ourselves for ourselves. Without inflating and exaggerating our talents and gifts, and without devaluing our real and true worth as well.

With the truth, we can then make something out of ourselves, something which is not built on illusion or delusion.

With the truth, our self worth and self knowledge does not change every minute of every day with the turning and the shifting of like the reflective and shimmery surfaces of a coloured globe that is the world we now live in.

With the truth, we are finally no more living an endless life of lies, doing what we cannot and don't like doing, and being a stranger to our loved ones and ourselves.

No more thinking more highly of oneself than one really is. No more self-flagellation either. See it as it really is.

I know that this will break me
I know that this might make me cry
I know that this will hurt me
And break my heart and soul inside
But I don't wanna live this lie

I want the truth
Give me the truth
Even if it hurts me

I was blind
But now I see

"The Truth", Good Charlotte

Save the Whale! Campaign

I'm championing a new cause, the very worthy "Save the Whale" cause.

What?

This whale is quite cute, and is a black-and-white whale. It has slippery waxy surfaces that I like touching, and in case you didn't know, this whale has fleshier flippers than other whales.

Why?

Because the health of the whale is being threatened by the man-made and stifling environment it's living in. (Think fish tank with dirty water!) It is not fed sufficient food for sustenance, and is often left alone to fend for its own survival. It's not helped that because the whale is eating less brain food like fish, it's becoming less clever and therefore less able to fend for itself.

Why some more?

Because the whale is losing its eyesight and swimming into the walls of the fish tank. (Lack of brain food again...) And you never knew the whale has cheekbones until it begins to lose hair and lose weight, and begins to look like an Ethiopian whale!

How?

So now, the plan is to save the whale by removing them from the toxic environment it's in, and leave it to swim free in the sea!

How can you contribute?

Leave a comment on my blog, and tell me how much you're like to donate to this special "Save the Whale" cause, for this particular whale. Once we have enough money to save this whale, the whale can wave its middle flipper and swim out into open ocean!

Save the whale today!

Money money money!

My friends love me. I love money. So, my friends love money?!

Hahhaahah

Money! I love money! Money is good! And Money makes the world go round!

As you can see, I'm so excited about money I'm adding exclamation marks to all of my sentences!

I wish I had loads of money! If I had loads of money, this is what I'll be doing with my money....

- Redeem this who from her brothel-like environment where she has to service so many clients she doesn't know her head from her tail already, because the mama-san is not able to get a back-up 小姐 (thing) to help, and this who is getting quite 摧残 (poor thing)...

- Hire assassins to kill the bugger who's been bugging Niang and making her all angsty and can't let go. Because when she suffers, I also suffer. Because guess who gets scoldings when Niang angsty and angry?

- And if the assassins service company has a promotional discount, like a buy-1-get-1-free, or a 3-for-$10 deal, I can help Wei get rid of her Rat-face Boss and Bastard as well. It's a might as well sort of a thing...

- Buy a deserted island, named after me of course. It will be a paradise on earth, but tourists will be banned. In fact, all who tries to land on my paradise deserted island will be shot on sight. (I will teach the monkeys how to use a gun, so as not to spoil the desertedness of my island.)
Then I will build chalets on my island, and let my E, W, G and Niang stay and hide there, surrounded by nice nice palm trees and crystal clear blue waters. There'll be hired toy-boys and dance poles for E, for Niang there will be an oven and cows and chickens and flour trees for eggs and butter and cream and flour, W will have a lot of paper and ink and books, and G, erh, G will have a lot of food and facials.

- I will take wads of dollar notes and throw at people who think I want their money. Muahahahah

Woooooo... I can't wait to be rich!

Top of the world

Today I went to the roof top of the building I was working in.

I like going onto roof-tops, because I like the view from rooftops. I like the fact that the buildings and people look like lego blocks and tiny bugs from way up where I am. I also liked the feeling I have of being the all powerful monster being, with all those tiny people, my worshippers, whom I can crush just with my little finger.

For today, I just wanted to enjoy the cool breeze and to clear my head a little. There were just too many things going around in that little space up there, and I just wanted a breather.
- Work or the stuff they call work (I think for some of my friends, work = emotional, mental and physical torture)
- Friends or people you thought were friends
- People and how to relate to them
- Human beings, and how to behave humanely
- How to make the world a better place, by eliminating some people
As you can tell, loads of crap in that little space up there; in fact, it's getting a bit crowded...

Today is a beautiful day. The air smells fresh and clean and of the rain that had just stopped. Together with the rain came a refreshing change to the normally humid warm air; it was cool and nice today. My eyes revelled in the fresh greeness of the field; there were little herons dotting the field. (I'm not sure where they came from, and why they enjoy city life.) The sky was startling azure blue, with little fluffy marshmallow and cottonwool cloud balls. (I wish I was a bird....)

Just enjoying the view and the breeze and the sky, a certain feeling stole over me. The kind I don't know how to explain.

You know the feeling you get when you meet a boy for the first time, a boy who's quite attractive and who looks intelligent and interesting enough, and you find yourself wanting to know him more, to find out more....

The feeling of possibilities, that life is not yet a dead end, and despite and in spite all, the possibility of something a little more, a little better, a little more interesting. Just when you thought life had settled down into a pattern, a routine, that life held no more new surprises, life surprises a little more, because a hope blooms within us, for something which we don't quite know what.

The view looks really quite different from up there.

Words..

Sometimes, words are just so inadequate...

In times like this, I like to look at nice soothing visuals....

请到我树下坐坐....

真有来世，
我愿做棵树，
欢迎今生与我有缘的人，
都到我树下坐坐。

The Funnies....

Charlie Brown comic strip....

Charlie Brown, lying in bed...."Sometimes, I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Why me?".

Then a voice answers, "Nothing personal... Your name just happened to come up...."

Very funny.

Even funnier that it was the same question I asked myself recently.

And you know the funniest thing about it, you've probably asked yourself the exact same thing recently too.

Maybe not the exact same words, and maybe in varying dialects or languages, but the gist of it is there.

Never mind who. Never mind what. Never mind why.

Sometimes it's about why you're the person clickatey-clacking away at your PC, in the wee hours of the morning, alone.

Sometimes it's about why you alone seems to care about something that is absolutely non of your business, and why the person to whom the business actually belongs to, is too short and too what to do something about it.

Sometimes we wonder why short people have issues about their shortness. 2 extra inches do not a man make. In fact, it does nothing for them except make them a taller-by-2-inches dickhead.

Sometimes we wonder why fat women have sometime against beautiful women. (It's not my fault you're fat!)

Sometimes we can't figure out why people have to talk big to make themselves look big. Can't they tell it absolutely doesn't work?

Haha...

But all of the times, it's about us, it's about how we respond and react to any and every situation, just because we forget that it's really not personal. It's business, it's ass saving, it's hopeless rhetoric, it's blatant sucking up, and it's anything but personal.

It's how other people choose to a threat to their survival, whether real or imaginary, whether imminent or actually many light years away.So, it's not personal. Your name just happened to come up.

It may be stupid. It may be ridiculous. It may be useless politicking. But it's not personal.

It's just a matter of survival.

Hug Campaign

Dove has its Real Beauty campaign www.campaignforrealbeauty.com

Well, I have my Hug Campaign. (I want a www site as well!)

It started one day when I suddenly felt like a hug. I looked around, and there was nobody. Fed-up. So from then on, I started obsessing about this hugging thing.

Thus the humble beginnings of the Hug Campaign... The thing about the Hug Campaign is, once you 'kenna' (got ambushed into being) hugged from me, you now have to look for someone to hug. And so on it goes until whatever....

First I had to draw up a list of potential huggees. Then I had to figure when and how to give them their hugs.

W, E, L.. Damn why are all my potential huggees so teeny? Not 'shiok' (nice, almost pleasurable feeling..hahah) to hug wan.

Niang.. A bit fleshier, so got potential, just that I'll be smothering her in my, erh, breasts.

Good guy friends like K, K and K (haha).. I scared their girlfriends get jealous.

G's a nice height and got enough flesh for hugging purposes. Very comfortable and very comforting, but too far away.

Anyway, I'll figure something out. You go figure something out.

Everybody needs a hug. At some point or other.

Some need more than others. Some need only a hug every 1000 years.

I pride myself on being the latter, but lately, I've been hug-needy and sentimental and crap! No offence to those who enjoy hugs, but I just don't lor. I don't exactly abhor, but I'm really not too comfortable with hugs and tears and confidences, because it makes me feel sentimental and tender and human (yeech!)

A hug says....

I love you...

I love you, sometimes...

I love you, most of the times, but other times, I hate you....

I know you feel hurt/sad/lousy/happy/ecstatic/post-coital, so I'll just hang around and accompany you until you get back to normal...

I know you're dead busy with your work, and I really don't want to help you proof-read, but I'll hang around and see you work, since I know misery loves company....

I'm on a diet but I'll watch you eat, and share in your gastronomical satisfaction and delight whilst starving to death next to you...

So everybody needs a hug. Even you. You can call me should you need one. Especially since I have super magical Hug powers. This is how it works, just close your eyes, breathe deeply and count to 10, and you can actually feel my hug. There, does it work?

Ok?

So, everybody, 1, 2, 3....

*Group Hug*

PS For some of you who prefer squatting, you know who you are, well, I'll be there, squatting beside you. I just hope I am able to get up afterwards.

Blocked....

You know those two names at the right bar of the blog page? "Niang" and "Eee" are two good friends, and because I love them so much, I wanted a public display of my affection and respect for them, by linking my ardent fans to them.

But recently, they've decided to block their blogs, and allow only access rights to deserving people. And if you don't know how to or can't access these sites, and I haven't tried helping you get access to them, it probably means you're an undeserving people. (Unless of course I don't know you, and then it's not you, it's me. Haha)

I guess the truth of the matter is, no matter how public these online blogs are, and never mind how people who don't know nuts about us read it, the fact remains that, blogs are still very private things.

Of course the issue of privacy affects different people differently. All men are made private. But some are made more private than others. And believe it a not, I am a very private person. (Haha)

There are no pictures of myself on this blog. My entries, while insightful and personal, do not reveal too much. (At least I hope so! If not, I'm shutting the damn blog down.) In other words, you can know about me without knowing about me.

I guess I just can't stand the idea of a total stranger knowing me and knowing how I look like and what the hell happened to me. Some people don't care, but seriously, the thought of that, just pisses the hell out of me. Well I'm not about to put a password to my blog yet, or act all paranoid about it, I am certainly going to make sure I don't put myself in that place of vulnerability, because there's no knowing who can be trusted and who can't.

What's the moral of the story? Well, I guess there's no moral of the story. And for all those who miss Niang and Ee's blogs, well too bad, eat your heart out! *evil laugh*

Somebody sedate me?!

"Somebody sedate me!" Cristina Yang yells, desperate to stop her crying and weeping, which could interpreted and are probably interpreted as signs of neediness and needing to be hug.

Yes, I've been watching re-runs of Grey's Anatomy. Again.

One, I want to be sedated too. And sleep for three days and nights, non-stop. Dreamless sleep. I's appreciate it thank you very much. Plus it'll be useful in helping me lose weight as well.

I know I'm the only one who's desperately tired. Niang, E, W, we all sleep together? We need a very very big bed though.

Two, I'm desperate to not seem needy and pathetic and burdensome as well. Why? Because it makes me feel incredibly stupid, that's why!

Somebody, sedate ME!

How to be happy?!

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands.

If you're not, well, just keep clapping until you become happy.

A matter of survival?

The mechanisms that people and animals adopt in order to survive, defend themselves, cope with situations..

Porcupines inflate themselves and their coat of sharp quills, fending will would-be attackers with the possibility of being very painfully pricked.

Octupuses eject a thick blackish ink in a large cloud, leaving behind them an inky trail as they escape. blinding their attackers.

Deer have their fearsome antlers that could gore you through in several places. They can also run away. (Haha...)

Human beings?

Homo sapiens are complex beings, and have complex methods of ensuring survival.

The fiestier ones confront and stay on to fight. Others go by a more subtle and roundabout way of resolving issues. Some run away. Some more jump off buildings. A few go on killing rampages.

Others walk away.

Walking away is an act of courage. Sometimes. To inexorably walk away from certain people and situations requires a making up of the mind, a detemination to move on, for better or for worse. You walk away from relationships or friendships that are not worth it. You walk away from temptation. You walk away from the old to go to a better place.

Other times, it's an act of cowardice, a form of escapism and not facing the facts and issues inherent. We switch off in unpleasant situations and wander away in our minds to beautiful places where everything is what we ever wanted it to be. We walk away from confrontations because we're tired and we don't think we can face the tears, the argumentative reasonings that are just part and parcel.

Unfortunately, it's not obvious sometimes, for which reason one is walking away. Are we being brave and 'being a man, doing the right thing'? Or are we in actual fact, cowards, rats abandoning a sinking ship? Do we go or do we stay?

Well, if you don't know, I don't know either. Sometimes, I guess, you just have to keep walking, keep walking because if you don't, you'll just sink into the ground and die or something.

So we just have to keep on walking, trudging, plodding, hiking, climbing. Until the road becomes more even, and we're able to see a path set out before us, showing us the way which we should walk, when before, we see nothing but wild grass and trees and no way out.

So, I guess I'll just keep walking. (I just have to make sure I have good walking shoes on.)

So, just keep on walking....