Monday, October 30, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Empty
I'm sure everybody has been shown a half-filled glass of water, and asked, do you see the glass as half empty, or half full.
They say it's all about perspective and stuff, whether we choose to look on the bright side of things or chose to be pessimistic about it.
Well, what if I show you a totally empty glass? There's no perspective to that now is there? An empty glass is an empty glass, no arguing about that.
Well, I've been through the half-empty / half-full stage.
And what do you know, it doesn't take one long to get to the totally empty stage! At this point, you're at zero, at the bottom of the pit, the lowest life form at the bottom of the food chain. Nope you can't get any lower than that.
At this point, it feels like only a smidgen of what may be called hope is left. Your dignity and pride has disintegrated into thin air, and leaves no traces whatsoever that it was even there before. Everything you thought you had, you thought wrong. You're exposed for what you are, which is actually nothing very much.
The brains you thought you had? Well, ii was actually held together by bubblegum. And you thought you had friends? Well, you thought wrong. Smart, shrewd, respected, beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, talented, can count to 10 etc etc etc, well, it just shows we can spell these words.
(Haha..I have to be more descriptive about this so you guys can identify with it. You all know you've been there at some point.)
So there I was, at Empty.
Zero. Nought. Kosong. 0. In whatever language.
Trust me, it is a frightening place to be.
After the fear though, came a strange liberation.
Because I no longer had to pretend to be something when I was nothing.
I no longer had to attempt to be something that I never was - pretty, nice, smart.
I am now an empty canvas, just waiting to be filled up. I could start working at being really something from ground zero. Instead of trying to cover my nothingness with all sorts of fluff and smoke and red herrings.
A full glass or a half full glass of water contains essentially that, water.
But with an empty glass, the possiblities are endless. Orange juice, watermelon juice, cranberry juice, lemonade......
So here I am, empty!
Fill me up baby! And I can be whatever I want to be!
They say it's all about perspective and stuff, whether we choose to look on the bright side of things or chose to be pessimistic about it.
Well, what if I show you a totally empty glass? There's no perspective to that now is there? An empty glass is an empty glass, no arguing about that.
Well, I've been through the half-empty / half-full stage.
And what do you know, it doesn't take one long to get to the totally empty stage! At this point, you're at zero, at the bottom of the pit, the lowest life form at the bottom of the food chain. Nope you can't get any lower than that.
At this point, it feels like only a smidgen of what may be called hope is left. Your dignity and pride has disintegrated into thin air, and leaves no traces whatsoever that it was even there before. Everything you thought you had, you thought wrong. You're exposed for what you are, which is actually nothing very much.
The brains you thought you had? Well, ii was actually held together by bubblegum. And you thought you had friends? Well, you thought wrong. Smart, shrewd, respected, beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, talented, can count to 10 etc etc etc, well, it just shows we can spell these words.
(Haha..I have to be more descriptive about this so you guys can identify with it. You all know you've been there at some point.)
So there I was, at Empty.
Zero. Nought. Kosong. 0. In whatever language.
Trust me, it is a frightening place to be.
After the fear though, came a strange liberation.
Because I no longer had to pretend to be something when I was nothing.
I no longer had to attempt to be something that I never was - pretty, nice, smart.
I am now an empty canvas, just waiting to be filled up. I could start working at being really something from ground zero. Instead of trying to cover my nothingness with all sorts of fluff and smoke and red herrings.
A full glass or a half full glass of water contains essentially that, water.
But with an empty glass, the possiblities are endless. Orange juice, watermelon juice, cranberry juice, lemonade......
So here I am, empty!
Fill me up baby! And I can be whatever I want to be!
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Make Me Lose Control
Some people say God speaks to them face to face, or through angels.
Well, I feel like God is speaking to me through Grey's Anatomy.
I love Grey's Anatomy. Absolutely, totally, head over heels. I've never felt this way about any other televesion drama before. :)
Well, I've been watching it, again, the re-runs they show on cable. In this episode, Meredith and Christina's secrets finally come undone.
Secrets. Everybody has them. Even the ones you think tell you everything.
You think you know someone, someone who's been your friend for years, someone whom you're living with, but you thought wrong.
Everybody has secrets. Everybody.
And sometimes, we do our darnest best to keep them secret, just because.
In fact, sometimes we don't know what's the big deal in keeping these things under wrap. What does it matter if people know. But we do anyway.
Secrets. Everybody has them. Everybody's entitled to them.
Maybe it's all about control. Letting loose what was originally a secret means letting it spiral out of control in other people's talk, in other people's minds. And we sure as hell don't want that.
Because we care what other people think about us, about our lives. Meredith didn't want people to know her mum had Alzeimer's. Christina didn't want people to know she's pregnant.
Because it matters to us. It's important to us. And because it matters and it's important, we guard these things closely, until they become what's known as secrets.
And we don't let go. We never ever let go. We dare not let go.
And we grow all rigid and unyielding and paranoid about secrets. We become afraid we'll get found out.
No one likes to lose control. It’s a sign of weakness.
And still there are times when it just gets away from you.
No matter how hard you fight it. You fall. And its scary as hell.
Except there’s an upside to free falling. It’s the chance you give your friends to catch you.
Maybe it's time to do some free falling.....
Well, I feel like God is speaking to me through Grey's Anatomy.
I love Grey's Anatomy. Absolutely, totally, head over heels. I've never felt this way about any other televesion drama before. :)
Well, I've been watching it, again, the re-runs they show on cable. In this episode, Meredith and Christina's secrets finally come undone.
Secrets. Everybody has them. Even the ones you think tell you everything.
You think you know someone, someone who's been your friend for years, someone whom you're living with, but you thought wrong.
Everybody has secrets. Everybody.
And sometimes, we do our darnest best to keep them secret, just because.
In fact, sometimes we don't know what's the big deal in keeping these things under wrap. What does it matter if people know. But we do anyway.
Secrets. Everybody has them. Everybody's entitled to them.
Maybe it's all about control. Letting loose what was originally a secret means letting it spiral out of control in other people's talk, in other people's minds. And we sure as hell don't want that.
Because we care what other people think about us, about our lives. Meredith didn't want people to know her mum had Alzeimer's. Christina didn't want people to know she's pregnant.
Because it matters to us. It's important to us. And because it matters and it's important, we guard these things closely, until they become what's known as secrets.
And we don't let go. We never ever let go. We dare not let go.
And we grow all rigid and unyielding and paranoid about secrets. We become afraid we'll get found out.
No one likes to lose control. It’s a sign of weakness.
And still there are times when it just gets away from you.
No matter how hard you fight it. You fall. And its scary as hell.
Except there’s an upside to free falling. It’s the chance you give your friends to catch you.
Maybe it's time to do some free falling.....
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Sigh
When we come to a point that we feel that we can't go on anymore, a sigh is a breath we take, that helps us take the next breath and the next and then the next, until we can start breathing on our own again.
Monday, October 23, 2006
A Long Way Down...
I've been reading...
Ok, I know I'm not the only person in the world who is literate, and who actually reads books. But the fact of the matter is, I've been reading.
And one of the books I've come across recently ia Nick Hornby's "A Long Way Down". To quote, it's about "four characters who accidentally meet on top of a tower block, all ready to jump to their death on New Year's Eve".
It's all about suicide, and thankfully, not as morbid and as depressing as I thought it would be. In fact, it was quite funny at times, which seems paradoxical. Suicide is a funny thing?!
Anyway, you know those 'teaser' type sypnopsis they have at the back cover, to entice folks to buy this particular book out of the millions that are standing in bookshelves around the world? This one began with "Can I explain why I wanted to jump off the top of a tower block?"
Which reminded me of a book I read some time ago, the much acclaimed "The Catcher and The Rye" (J.D. Salinger). It's suppose to be a brilliant book, but I read it twice without finding why it was so-called brilliant. Then I finally figured it out, or at least I think I did. (This is MINE intepretation of the book, so sod off and be polite about it if you think I'm wrong!)
It's so brilliant because the streams of consciousness writing allows the reader to actually live his life, and think his thoughts. And the scary thing is, even as we're being him, the protagonist, we can't see his mind degenerating into madness. There's no distinct demarcation that marks out madness from sanity. There's no turning point that transformed the ordinary guy-next-door from becoming someone who's a little mad, a little crazy, a little mental who should be kept under supervision if not under lock and key.
This process of change is so subtle, so slight, so unnoticeable. A slight change in behaviour, some mood swings.. A little here, a little there, a bit at a time, and before you know it, you're suddenly 'there', waking up from some kind of trance, bloodied knife in hand, and bodies littering the floor.
Back to "A Long Way Down", the thing is, there's no "profile" of what a person who's planning to commit suicide is like. Some have obvious problems, like Martin Sharp the disgraced TV presenter wo has lost his job, his wife and children. And there's the mother who has a vegetable for a son, and whose future is a bleak picture of constantly caring for a son who is capable of nothing at all. Some are not so obvious, a girl who thinks she has lost the 'love of her life', and the boy who did not fulfill his dream of being a musician. The first 2 seems to have some good reason at least for wanting out of their current lives. But who's to say who're the ones who deserve to be depressed about their lives and who're not allowed to.
The point is, one may have a so-called OK life, and still end up choosing to end their lives. There's really no telling. OK people may still find themselves at the top of a tower block, peering over the railings, and feeling that incredible urge to jump down. OK people may suddenly just swallow the entire contents of a bottle of asprin.
"Can I explain why I wanted to jump off the top of a tower block?"
"Can I explain why I just feel like crying all the time, and not stop?"
"Can I explain why I just feel like leaving my wife, and my children and kids?"
"Can I explain why I feel depressed?"
And scarily, sometimes there's no explaining why at all...
Disclaimer: I'm not thinking of stupid things by the way. Haha.
Ok, I know I'm not the only person in the world who is literate, and who actually reads books. But the fact of the matter is, I've been reading.
And one of the books I've come across recently ia Nick Hornby's "A Long Way Down". To quote, it's about "four characters who accidentally meet on top of a tower block, all ready to jump to their death on New Year's Eve".
It's all about suicide, and thankfully, not as morbid and as depressing as I thought it would be. In fact, it was quite funny at times, which seems paradoxical. Suicide is a funny thing?!
Anyway, you know those 'teaser' type sypnopsis they have at the back cover, to entice folks to buy this particular book out of the millions that are standing in bookshelves around the world? This one began with "Can I explain why I wanted to jump off the top of a tower block?"
Which reminded me of a book I read some time ago, the much acclaimed "The Catcher and The Rye" (J.D. Salinger). It's suppose to be a brilliant book, but I read it twice without finding why it was so-called brilliant. Then I finally figured it out, or at least I think I did. (This is MINE intepretation of the book, so sod off and be polite about it if you think I'm wrong!)
It's so brilliant because the streams of consciousness writing allows the reader to actually live his life, and think his thoughts. And the scary thing is, even as we're being him, the protagonist, we can't see his mind degenerating into madness. There's no distinct demarcation that marks out madness from sanity. There's no turning point that transformed the ordinary guy-next-door from becoming someone who's a little mad, a little crazy, a little mental who should be kept under supervision if not under lock and key.
This process of change is so subtle, so slight, so unnoticeable. A slight change in behaviour, some mood swings.. A little here, a little there, a bit at a time, and before you know it, you're suddenly 'there', waking up from some kind of trance, bloodied knife in hand, and bodies littering the floor.
Back to "A Long Way Down", the thing is, there's no "profile" of what a person who's planning to commit suicide is like. Some have obvious problems, like Martin Sharp the disgraced TV presenter wo has lost his job, his wife and children. And there's the mother who has a vegetable for a son, and whose future is a bleak picture of constantly caring for a son who is capable of nothing at all. Some are not so obvious, a girl who thinks she has lost the 'love of her life', and the boy who did not fulfill his dream of being a musician. The first 2 seems to have some good reason at least for wanting out of their current lives. But who's to say who're the ones who deserve to be depressed about their lives and who're not allowed to.
The point is, one may have a so-called OK life, and still end up choosing to end their lives. There's really no telling. OK people may still find themselves at the top of a tower block, peering over the railings, and feeling that incredible urge to jump down. OK people may suddenly just swallow the entire contents of a bottle of asprin.
"Can I explain why I wanted to jump off the top of a tower block?"
"Can I explain why I just feel like crying all the time, and not stop?"
"Can I explain why I just feel like leaving my wife, and my children and kids?"
"Can I explain why I feel depressed?"
And scarily, sometimes there's no explaining why at all...
Disclaimer: I'm not thinking of stupid things by the way. Haha.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Where are we going?
"Where are we going?"
"I don't know. I thought you knew."
"No, I don't know. Maybe he knows.
"No. He definitely doesn't know."
PAUSE
"Maybe no one knows."
PAUSE
"Oh well. I hope it's nice when we get there."
"I don't know. I thought you knew."
"No, I don't know. Maybe he knows.
"No. He definitely doesn't know."
PAUSE
"Maybe no one knows."
PAUSE
"Oh well. I hope it's nice when we get there."
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Happy Birthday
Excerpt from Rene Liu's "What A Wonderful Day" <<我想跟你走>>
(X marks the spot where I can't figure out what the word is)
那天是我的生日, 遇上了七级台风, 外头的风雨真的很大, 大得让人心慌, 这种时候, 除了担心灾情, 也会想像那些跟我一样独居的孤男寡女的心情.
就在这时候, 电话响了, 小米打来的. 落X地问: "你在干嘛?"
我说: "没啊! 呆着呢!"
小米是我多年的好朋友, 平时不常联络, 或者说, 只要她出现, 肯定有事. 当然她也可以这样形容我.
我问她: "又怎么了?"
她说: "没啊...."
沉默了一阵子, 她才悠悠地说: "已经三十六个小时了, 他都没有 e-mail 来." 我先是一头雾水, 接着想起前天就是小米的生日. 她有一个相交多年的前男友, 小南, 即便分手很久了, 两人平时也不联络, 但每年两个人的生日, 他们必定互相问候对方.
那年, 小米十七岁
小米有点轻描淡写, 但我知道她伤的很深. 她就是那种越轻描淡写伤势越严重的类型.
但要说她在乎的是小南, 不如说要命的是生日. 每当生日快到的时候, 小米就开始陷入一种焦虑, 那是一种既兴奋又注定要受伤害的气氛. 是因为年龄与日俱增吗? 还是因为被提醒适婚年龄已过? 但这又是每个都会单身女性的问题, 小米又何苦为难自己?
以上是我的猜测, 因为我知道小米不太喜欢听到人家说 "生日快乐", 连我跟她这样的朋友, 在她生日的时候, 都不会自讨没趣.
但小米同时又不高兴人家提都不提她的生日, 好象她降临这个世界没有任何重要性. 是啊, 谁要那种全人类都不记得自己生日的感觉?
对于这种天人交战的难题, 她的处理方式是, 在生日那天, 关掉手机, 拨掉家里电话, 不上网. 矫X过正吗? 应该说把头藏在沙堆里是小米的拿手绝活.
小南是小米的初恋情人, 那年, 小米十七岁. 十七岁的失恋跟恋爱好象一样剧情单纯, 当事人以为自己的故事很壮烈, 观众看起来不过如此.
他们分手后的十年之间, 都维持当好朋友, 甚至当初小米去欧洲学音乐, 也是小南鼓励她的. 他说他们的相处方式已经走进死胡同, 小米太依赖他了, 如果小米不暂时离开, 她的人生就完了. 那年, 他考上交大, 小米只是补习生.
于是小米真的走了.
而她的人生当然也就不一样了.
诺言
后来 不管身边换了多少对象, 他们都保持一种奇妙的伙伴关系. 小南在小米出国期间, 甚至常常去找小米的爸爸聊天, 表明不管他换了多少女朋友, 他都回等小米, 除非小米结婚, 否则他不会放弃.
这种说法听起来很滑稽, 但是很动人, 小米每每听到, 虽然嘴里说死也不会嫁给小南, 但还是沾沾自喜.
小南去维也纳找过小米一次, 两个人一起度过三天, 第死天小南就不见了, 留下一张纸条, “我在台湾买了一张环欧火车票, 我要好好利用…”
小米回国, 就在一家打X乐教室教小朋友, 小南即便当时不X风流韵事, 只要小米一通电话, 小南都回出现. 小米对他的依赖不是生活上的, 更多的是精神上的. 每当小米感情受挫时, 工作不顺时, 对自己缺乏信心时, 她就需要小南的”诺言”来当作自己的强心针.
这些年当中, 他们也曾经试图在一起, 毕竟互相取暖的两个人, 火花是取之不绝的. 但是复合的第一个礼拜, 两个人都变得无话可说, 压力大到令人窒息, 于是再来整整三个礼拜没有联络!
小米告诉我, 就在他们谈好分手的那个晚上, 他们去吃饭, 两个人又回到了以前一样,败涂地滔滔不绝, 甜言蜜语.
小米常常说小南很了解她, 或者说, 因为他们很象, 都不能忍受跟另一个生物腻在一起太久, 所以他们之间的距离总是刚刚好. 刚刚好到”现在什么都没发生,多久但是永远都有可能会发生什么”.
自由
一天, 小南打电话给小米, 说找她吃饭, 小米说晚点要去上班, 现在不想出门. 于是他买了三明治去她家, 吃完小米赶着出门, 他送她去, 经过安和路信义路口的婚纱店 (现在挂着林志玲的海报), 他突然问小米: “你如果结婚, 回拍那种婚纱照?”
小米把脸一扬, 冷冷地说:”最讨厌婚纱照了, 如果结婚才不要拍照, 麻烦死了!”
“我同意, 麻烦又浪费钱.” 小米相信小南在暗示什么, 虽然小米还是觉得自己不会嫁给他.
两天之后, 小米去看<<落跑新娘>>, 出了戏院听手机留言, 是小南, “我要结婚了, 新娘你不认识. 我一直没跟你讲, 因为不到最后一秒, 我都不能确定. 对不起啦. 我什么事都跟她说, 她不相信我们只是朋友, 所以我必须很正式跟你说, 我们只是朋友, 我爱的人是她, 她现在就在我身边…..”
这世界上有比这个更滑稽的事情吗?
他高兴跟谁结婚就跟谁结婚, 那是他的自由, 但他有必要一直隐瞒吗? 不到最后一秒不能确定? 那他根本就是永远不能确定! 他们要怎么拍结婚照, 那是他们家的事, 有必要来告诉我吗? 这是”朋友”的行为吗? 还有, 最不可原谅的, 有必要在她面前打电话来羞辱我吗? “不把自己的快乐建筑在别人的痛苦上”, 这不是小学生都知道的公民道德吗?
小米在手机里说她没有掉眼泪, 她说她很好,终于解脱了, 不用再为小南的幸福负责,所以开着她的黑色吉普车把台北市绕了三圈, 她说,她觉得很可笑, 对于过去的十三年都相信他的诺言, 可笑的是自己. 我说这一圈绕完就回家吧.
后来小南是何时结婚的, 我们并不知道, 起码这群至死护卫小米的朋友都不知道, 只知道从消息XX 光那天开始, 再也没人从小米口中听到小南这两个字.
故事并没有结束.
惟一活着的方式
小米一直到今天才跟我说.
其实这几年每到生日, 她都会收到他的 email.
就是一句话 – Happy Birthday.
每一封她都存起来.
每隔六个月, 小南生日的时候, 小米就把同一封信回传给他.
我小她那么沉得住气, 那么耍心机, 小米说: “我连他结婚的事都没问过…….. 多写一个字, 都会心痛……”
于是每一年的生日祝福, 就是惟一可以知道他还活着的方式, 或者说, 知道他还有一点点在乎自己的方式. 进年生日已经过了, 已经过了三十六个小时, 小米都没有收到小南的讯息, 它开始慌了. 我要她们直接写信去问. “那怎么可以…. 他忘了就忘了吧!” 说这句话的时候, 小米的声音像是一口水咽不小去.
几天过后, 我收到小米的简讯.
“今天晚上十一点五十六分我才收到他的祝福.”
“原问如下: There are things I care about everyday but can only say it once a year. Sorry about the delay. (有些事我每天都挂念, 但只能一年说一次. 迟到了, 对不起.)”
几天后, 无意间在路上碰见初中同学, 他是刚从上海回来的, 聊天时我好奇地问起小南, 同学跟我说, 你不知道他已经走了吗?
“去哪儿了?”
同学说: “天国.”
然后是可想而知的短暂对话, “不好笑”, “你有看到我笑吗? 他走了快一年了.”
我感到一阵晕眩, 晕眩过后, 我想到小米. 为什么这么大的事我们不知道, 小米也不知道? 因为我们从小南说要结婚之后, 就几乎拒绝听到任何有关于他的消息. 但前几天的那封 email 是怎么回事?
我翻出早已不用的通讯录, 壮着胆子打去小南的家, 也不知道号码是否还管用.
有三个日子改变了
一个年轻女人接起了电话, 说是小南的姐姐. 我表明身份, 问候了几句, 最终忍不住问了她, 如果小南早就不在, 怎么会有 email? 她哭了出来, 小心翼翼地跟我说: “请不要再追究这件事, 这是小南走之前要我帮他做的. 他要我每年帮他发一次 email, 我忘了, 过了快一个礼拜才想起来.” 小南姐姐要我守住秘密, 但这样的事怎么可能瞒得了永远呢?
但要我跟小米 X 破, 那也是不可能的, 药品讲也不会是我讲. 我跟小南姐姐多问一些情况, 病因是脑肿瘤, 时间呢, 发现时是四年前, 后来都在大陆寻求另类疗法. 四年前? 那不就是小南给小米留话说他要结婚的那年?
“那小南的太太呢?”
“什么太太? 小南没有结婚啊! 我们家人都知道他一直在等小米啊!”
接下来, 我在电话里足足沉默了三十秒.
我在想, 这是怎么回事? 或者说, 我已经猜到什么回事, 但我在怀疑, 这怎么可能? 这一切是小南的安排吗? 假装闪电结婚, 从此消失, 一年一次生日问候, 一直…. 要一直到什么时候? 他要小米对他死心, 然后让小米知道他永远记得她. 这是爱吗?
这世界上有这样的爱吗? 着不是通俗小说里的情节吗? 但它又远比小说情节真实, 充满细节. 小南, 小米在我脑海里栩栩如生, 他们的忧伤欢笑, 那不是演出, 是漫漫时间长河中的呼吸.
我全身的汗毛都起来, 那是在我挂上电话, 走到港口看着路上 XX 攘攘的人群时. 我需要盯着一个个陌生的人, 来让自己缓缓回到现实. 我会先回到现实, 然后再重新一点一滴让自己进去小南的世界, 去感受他感受的, 去编织他所编织的.
我不确定我能感受到什么程度, 但我知道, 每一年没一年, 有三个日子多我来说是永远地改变了, 小米的生日, 小南的生日, 和我自己的生日.
(X marks the spot where I can't figure out what the word is)
那天是我的生日, 遇上了七级台风, 外头的风雨真的很大, 大得让人心慌, 这种时候, 除了担心灾情, 也会想像那些跟我一样独居的孤男寡女的心情.
就在这时候, 电话响了, 小米打来的. 落X地问: "你在干嘛?"
我说: "没啊! 呆着呢!"
小米是我多年的好朋友, 平时不常联络, 或者说, 只要她出现, 肯定有事. 当然她也可以这样形容我.
我问她: "又怎么了?"
她说: "没啊...."
沉默了一阵子, 她才悠悠地说: "已经三十六个小时了, 他都没有 e-mail 来." 我先是一头雾水, 接着想起前天就是小米的生日. 她有一个相交多年的前男友, 小南, 即便分手很久了, 两人平时也不联络, 但每年两个人的生日, 他们必定互相问候对方.
那年, 小米十七岁
小米有点轻描淡写, 但我知道她伤的很深. 她就是那种越轻描淡写伤势越严重的类型.
但要说她在乎的是小南, 不如说要命的是生日. 每当生日快到的时候, 小米就开始陷入一种焦虑, 那是一种既兴奋又注定要受伤害的气氛. 是因为年龄与日俱增吗? 还是因为被提醒适婚年龄已过? 但这又是每个都会单身女性的问题, 小米又何苦为难自己?
以上是我的猜测, 因为我知道小米不太喜欢听到人家说 "生日快乐", 连我跟她这样的朋友, 在她生日的时候, 都不会自讨没趣.
但小米同时又不高兴人家提都不提她的生日, 好象她降临这个世界没有任何重要性. 是啊, 谁要那种全人类都不记得自己生日的感觉?
对于这种天人交战的难题, 她的处理方式是, 在生日那天, 关掉手机, 拨掉家里电话, 不上网. 矫X过正吗? 应该说把头藏在沙堆里是小米的拿手绝活.
小南是小米的初恋情人, 那年, 小米十七岁. 十七岁的失恋跟恋爱好象一样剧情单纯, 当事人以为自己的故事很壮烈, 观众看起来不过如此.
他们分手后的十年之间, 都维持当好朋友, 甚至当初小米去欧洲学音乐, 也是小南鼓励她的. 他说他们的相处方式已经走进死胡同, 小米太依赖他了, 如果小米不暂时离开, 她的人生就完了. 那年, 他考上交大, 小米只是补习生.
于是小米真的走了.
而她的人生当然也就不一样了.
诺言
后来 不管身边换了多少对象, 他们都保持一种奇妙的伙伴关系. 小南在小米出国期间, 甚至常常去找小米的爸爸聊天, 表明不管他换了多少女朋友, 他都回等小米, 除非小米结婚, 否则他不会放弃.
这种说法听起来很滑稽, 但是很动人, 小米每每听到, 虽然嘴里说死也不会嫁给小南, 但还是沾沾自喜.
小南去维也纳找过小米一次, 两个人一起度过三天, 第死天小南就不见了, 留下一张纸条, “我在台湾买了一张环欧火车票, 我要好好利用…”
小米回国, 就在一家打X乐教室教小朋友, 小南即便当时不X风流韵事, 只要小米一通电话, 小南都回出现. 小米对他的依赖不是生活上的, 更多的是精神上的. 每当小米感情受挫时, 工作不顺时, 对自己缺乏信心时, 她就需要小南的”诺言”来当作自己的强心针.
这些年当中, 他们也曾经试图在一起, 毕竟互相取暖的两个人, 火花是取之不绝的. 但是复合的第一个礼拜, 两个人都变得无话可说, 压力大到令人窒息, 于是再来整整三个礼拜没有联络!
小米告诉我, 就在他们谈好分手的那个晚上, 他们去吃饭, 两个人又回到了以前一样,败涂地滔滔不绝, 甜言蜜语.
小米常常说小南很了解她, 或者说, 因为他们很象, 都不能忍受跟另一个生物腻在一起太久, 所以他们之间的距离总是刚刚好. 刚刚好到”现在什么都没发生,多久但是永远都有可能会发生什么”.
自由
一天, 小南打电话给小米, 说找她吃饭, 小米说晚点要去上班, 现在不想出门. 于是他买了三明治去她家, 吃完小米赶着出门, 他送她去, 经过安和路信义路口的婚纱店 (现在挂着林志玲的海报), 他突然问小米: “你如果结婚, 回拍那种婚纱照?”
小米把脸一扬, 冷冷地说:”最讨厌婚纱照了, 如果结婚才不要拍照, 麻烦死了!”
“我同意, 麻烦又浪费钱.” 小米相信小南在暗示什么, 虽然小米还是觉得自己不会嫁给他.
两天之后, 小米去看<<落跑新娘>>, 出了戏院听手机留言, 是小南, “我要结婚了, 新娘你不认识. 我一直没跟你讲, 因为不到最后一秒, 我都不能确定. 对不起啦. 我什么事都跟她说, 她不相信我们只是朋友, 所以我必须很正式跟你说, 我们只是朋友, 我爱的人是她, 她现在就在我身边…..”
这世界上有比这个更滑稽的事情吗?
他高兴跟谁结婚就跟谁结婚, 那是他的自由, 但他有必要一直隐瞒吗? 不到最后一秒不能确定? 那他根本就是永远不能确定! 他们要怎么拍结婚照, 那是他们家的事, 有必要来告诉我吗? 这是”朋友”的行为吗? 还有, 最不可原谅的, 有必要在她面前打电话来羞辱我吗? “不把自己的快乐建筑在别人的痛苦上”, 这不是小学生都知道的公民道德吗?
小米在手机里说她没有掉眼泪, 她说她很好,终于解脱了, 不用再为小南的幸福负责,所以开着她的黑色吉普车把台北市绕了三圈, 她说,她觉得很可笑, 对于过去的十三年都相信他的诺言, 可笑的是自己. 我说这一圈绕完就回家吧.
后来小南是何时结婚的, 我们并不知道, 起码这群至死护卫小米的朋友都不知道, 只知道从消息XX 光那天开始, 再也没人从小米口中听到小南这两个字.
故事并没有结束.
惟一活着的方式
小米一直到今天才跟我说.
其实这几年每到生日, 她都会收到他的 email.
就是一句话 – Happy Birthday.
每一封她都存起来.
每隔六个月, 小南生日的时候, 小米就把同一封信回传给他.
我小她那么沉得住气, 那么耍心机, 小米说: “我连他结婚的事都没问过…….. 多写一个字, 都会心痛……”
于是每一年的生日祝福, 就是惟一可以知道他还活着的方式, 或者说, 知道他还有一点点在乎自己的方式. 进年生日已经过了, 已经过了三十六个小时, 小米都没有收到小南的讯息, 它开始慌了. 我要她们直接写信去问. “那怎么可以…. 他忘了就忘了吧!” 说这句话的时候, 小米的声音像是一口水咽不小去.
几天过后, 我收到小米的简讯.
“今天晚上十一点五十六分我才收到他的祝福.”
“原问如下: There are things I care about everyday but can only say it once a year. Sorry about the delay. (有些事我每天都挂念, 但只能一年说一次. 迟到了, 对不起.)”
几天后, 无意间在路上碰见初中同学, 他是刚从上海回来的, 聊天时我好奇地问起小南, 同学跟我说, 你不知道他已经走了吗?
“去哪儿了?”
同学说: “天国.”
然后是可想而知的短暂对话, “不好笑”, “你有看到我笑吗? 他走了快一年了.”
我感到一阵晕眩, 晕眩过后, 我想到小米. 为什么这么大的事我们不知道, 小米也不知道? 因为我们从小南说要结婚之后, 就几乎拒绝听到任何有关于他的消息. 但前几天的那封 email 是怎么回事?
我翻出早已不用的通讯录, 壮着胆子打去小南的家, 也不知道号码是否还管用.
有三个日子改变了
一个年轻女人接起了电话, 说是小南的姐姐. 我表明身份, 问候了几句, 最终忍不住问了她, 如果小南早就不在, 怎么会有 email? 她哭了出来, 小心翼翼地跟我说: “请不要再追究这件事, 这是小南走之前要我帮他做的. 他要我每年帮他发一次 email, 我忘了, 过了快一个礼拜才想起来.” 小南姐姐要我守住秘密, 但这样的事怎么可能瞒得了永远呢?
但要我跟小米 X 破, 那也是不可能的, 药品讲也不会是我讲. 我跟小南姐姐多问一些情况, 病因是脑肿瘤, 时间呢, 发现时是四年前, 后来都在大陆寻求另类疗法. 四年前? 那不就是小南给小米留话说他要结婚的那年?
“那小南的太太呢?”
“什么太太? 小南没有结婚啊! 我们家人都知道他一直在等小米啊!”
接下来, 我在电话里足足沉默了三十秒.
我在想, 这是怎么回事? 或者说, 我已经猜到什么回事, 但我在怀疑, 这怎么可能? 这一切是小南的安排吗? 假装闪电结婚, 从此消失, 一年一次生日问候, 一直…. 要一直到什么时候? 他要小米对他死心, 然后让小米知道他永远记得她. 这是爱吗?
这世界上有这样的爱吗? 着不是通俗小说里的情节吗? 但它又远比小说情节真实, 充满细节. 小南, 小米在我脑海里栩栩如生, 他们的忧伤欢笑, 那不是演出, 是漫漫时间长河中的呼吸.
我全身的汗毛都起来, 那是在我挂上电话, 走到港口看着路上 XX 攘攘的人群时. 我需要盯着一个个陌生的人, 来让自己缓缓回到现实. 我会先回到现实, 然后再重新一点一滴让自己进去小南的世界, 去感受他感受的, 去编织他所编织的.
我不确定我能感受到什么程度, 但我知道, 每一年没一年, 有三个日子多我来说是永远地改变了, 小米的生日, 小南的生日, 和我自己的生日.
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