The journey of self discovery

Continuing on the journey of self-discover, for it was that essentially, that brought to mind all the stuff people said when attempting to describe me.

Anyway, that was all just self-deprecatory fun, the previous blog about my looking like Liv Tyler, and Charlie Theronz and what not. I thought it was kind of funny really, although some will think I'm just blowing my own trumpet. Anyway, I didn't make any of that up, it's all true. It's just the commentators' eyesight that's suspect.

But it's not the extraneous stuff that I'm interested in, looking like who or what, but what people say and think I'm like as a person, that I really want to know. Call it curiosity or narcissim, but it's really for me to know myself more.

Because, really, we don't really know ourselves all that well sometimes. We may have been born a certain way, but being people, we're usually not very satisfied with ourselves and we try to change, or we become something different to try to please someone else, or to fit society's idea of what is good and lovely and desirable. At the end of the day, we end up looking like a very much edited Word document, with all the different changes and colours and cancellations and edits from having the Track Changes function turned on. We become illegible, confused, messed up, and ultimately not quite understandable.

That's kind of sad isn't it? That's kind of how I feel right now.

Confused. The person I thought I was, I turned out not to be, and I turned out to be the person I never knew I was. I thought it was better to be something else, and I became nothing at all in the end.

So, what am I?

Two incidents came to mind in my attempts to piece the stuff I know about myself with the comments and remarks that people make about me, together to form some kind of coherent picture.

Recently, a fan of my blog remarked that she was pleasantly surprised to find out that I actually think more than I seemed to. She was also surprised to find my blog persona dramatically different from what I was like in real life. Apparently, I'm much nicer in real life than in my blogs.

Great, just great! Not only do they think I'm a bimbo, they think I'm a bimbo with a split personality!

Some time ago, a friend told me that I have a tendency to help people show off their best bits while always highlighting my own less shiny parts.

I'm not really sure whether I just got insulted or was that really a compliment. So am I the motivating sort of just plain stupid? There are those who pretend to be better than they really are. Then there are those who are precisely who they behave as. Do I guess I belong to the third category, who seems determined to prove to the world that they're really quite dumb. (Sigh!)

Anyway, this journey of self discovery promises to be a long tedious one. Not to mention very confusing too. Am I smart or stupid? Nice or mean? Patient or bad-tempered? Hardworking or a skiver? Capable or useless?

So you folks out there, for those who wants to, do drop me a note to tell me what you think - what you like about me, and what you absolutely hate about me and you think I should try to change. I promise to seriously consider all your comments and try, and angels can't do more.

PS I so know what E's going to say. She'll tell me to STOP interrupting her and to try to keep the speed of my thoughts to 1 per minute so that I won't keep changing topics of conversation like a bullet train. Or, I'm suppose to learn to talk slower and softer too.