I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but that's true.
I don't just watch any old junk. I am very selective in the shows that I choose to peruse of. None of the third-rate junk for me. Any show I watch must have all of the following...
- Attention-grabbing show title. Never mind if it's a little cheesy or vulgar, I need it to get my attention, to differentiate itself from the 60-odd channels that are on cable. Some suggestions for the hit-you-in-the-face-and-gives-you-a-black-eye show titles would be things like "The Mystery of the Exploding Boobs", or "Plastic Make-Overs Come Undone" or something to that effect.
- Never forget the Very Important Bits. In any show, every show, you must have at least of the the following, not listed in order of importance. Babies, boobs, cleavage, blood, gore, boobs, explosions, car chases, boobs, nice hair, nice legs, inspirational speeches, boobs. Of course, if you could have everything in there, it will be great! Oh oh oh, and make sure there's not too much time-lag in-between the important bits. I don't have time for the non-important bits!
- Food! Food is very important. In the absence of a storyline, beautiful actors, blood, gore and action, food is always a safe topic. Food of any sort really - Greek, Italian, British, Chinese times 8 types of Chinese cuisine, Desserts, Appetisers, Side Dishes, Teas, Coffees, Grilled, Steamed. Sometimes they even combine genres. Food + Beautiful People = Food Porn in the form of Nigella. Food in a strange country which is unknown to chef = Jamie Oliver and the Great Italian Escape or something like that. Food + Whiz-Bang-Action = Restaurant Makeover. Food + Violence = Ramsey Gordon in 'The F Word'. Food's oh-so-versatile! You know what is missing, Food + Super hero! It will be fun to see Fire Man torch the cream brulee with his torch hand, or Superman cream the cake mixture at super speed!
- Last but not least, always pretend to be oh-so-natural. Especially for the cooking shows, never mind if it's all scripted down to how many breaths of air you should take a minute, but always pretend that it's all perfectly spontaneous and all naturale. Yes, it's natural to have the vegetables and fruits all so clean and without a speck of soil on it at all. And yes your fridge is always so packed to the brim with of all types of good-looking food. And yes, you speak to your family in complete sentences, using words that are four and five syllabus long. And yes, you cook in that sexy black dress with that cute little sweater. I HATE THESE PEOPLE FOR HAVING SUCH PERFECT LIVES. And I hate them more that they don't have to do any washing up after they cook! *Sulk*
Contrary to what people say about TV being a bad electrostatic influence and making people stupid, TV is actually very good for me. It is inspirational. I get inspired to dance, play the piani, cook, bake, be Oprah Winfrey, chop up people, travel, and be Hitler depending on what I'm watching at that point in time. In fact, that's the worse thing about TV, it inspires you to over-rate one's capabilities. They lie to you and tell you that making Vanilla Jam Muffins are oh-so-simple when really, it is really really complicated to do! Television people should manage expectations better, really!
TV is actually a thinking past-time. Everytime I see Jamie Oliver on TV, I will muse as to whether he's considered cute or ugly. Because while he's mostly cute, he's got a weird overbite that makes his lips look quite pouty. And one really needs to practise one's motor skills channel switching, watching 3 shows at the same time on different channels!TV's sometimes quite scary. Because they usually do close-ups of Nigella's bosom and face, it gets scary when they sometimes momentarily zoom out and you catch a glimpse of her whole body and you realise how, erh, voluptous she really is. She does remind me of the Blimp in the Ghostbusters.
Now, I think I just might go and watch some more TV.
2 comments:
Don't mock Nigella! How could you? She's a proper cook! Her food is obviously good enough to eat herself!!! Unlike Gordon Ramsey and Jamie Oliver's! Or they'd be fatter!
And don't think you can post a comment about me chasing cars in my underpants and then remove it without me noticing young lady!
lol
Hope you're cool!
Boy did you pick the wrong example!
You don’t see how eating chocolate helps in your self preservation huh Olivia? Well, I suppose, in a way you’re right! I mean, aside from the caffeine which stimulates your nervous system and has been shown to prevent the loss of dopamine-producing nerve cells seen in Parkinson's Disease; and the fact that it has been proved that long-term consumption of low dose caffeine slows hippocampus-dependent learning and impaired long-term memory. Another study into caffeine showed that subjects, upon receiving 100 milligrams of caffeine, had increased activity in brain regions located in the frontal lobe, where a part of the working memory network is located, and the anterior cingulum, a part of the brain that controls attention. The caffeinated subjects also performed better on memory tasks. If that’s not enough to blow your ‘it’s only chocolate’ theory out of the water, effects caffeine have on the heart have been shown to significantly reduce the risk of heart disease. How am I doing Olivia? Do I get any brownie points in the self preservation field? No? Okie, lets move onto reproduction then!
Theobromine, caffeine’s cousin, doesn’t have as much of an effect on the nervous system as it does on the heart, stimulating it to a greater degree. Theobromine increases heartbeat, yet it also dilates blood vessels, causing a reduced blood pressure… “Furthermore, its draining effect allows it to be used to treat cardiac failure, which can be caused by an excessive accumulation of fluid.” Theobromine also relaxes the smooth muscles and is thus effective in treating asthma. Anyway, I almost got lost in my own logic here; I was talking about the reproductive aspect wasn’t I? Well Theobromine is also considered to be a stimulant and in the case of chocolate, an aphrodisiac!
I’d love to concede this one to you Olivia, I really would, and I might just have gotten away with it, if hadn’t been for phenethylamine! Phenethylamine, as we all know, is a natural compound biosynthesized from the amino acid phenylalanine by enzymatic decarboxylation. Interestingly though, its deficit is also indirectly responsible for depression.
Did you pick the wrong thing to use as an example or what? On one hand I think that I’m suggesting every craving has a beneficial effect on the body, however, on the other hand I know that this simply isn’t true, and although chocolate is a lousy example, you make the valid point that humans do crave things which work against their long term interests. All I can put this down to is ‘faulty-wiring’ which mixes up the advantages of long term investments in ones health or happiness and short term perks, confusing immediate happiness, and stability, much like a computer might overlook adware dazzled by the tantalising benefits of free downloads, because it doesn’t have the ability to foresee its downfall in the accumulation of such a plague. (We’ve got centuries to go until humanity can even imagine such a system, and I can already create an analogy!)
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