It's my life

I am out of a job.

I am broke.

My nails are grubby and horrid and I desperately need a manicure and a pedicure.

My face is like sandpaper, my eye-bags the size of samsonites, and my eyebrows hairy and unplucked.

The last time I saw a movie was months ago; heck, the last time I even went into a mall was months ago! I can't even remember when was the last time I stepped into an air-conditioned restaurant with actual service people.

It was a long time ago that I last saw my friends, probably when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Since I haven't been going out much, it means I haven't been combing my hair much either. I still take a shower every day though, just in case you were wondering, but it's only because it's so hot.

My life sounds like it needs improving doesn't it? Well, I guess it does. But interestingly, despite it all, I am happy, and engulfed by an incredible sense of well-being.

How do I know I am enjoying life?

I can't stop smiling to myself.

I have loads to talk about even with nothing much happening to me, so much so I have conversations on MSN with friends who aren't even online!

I have a more-than-healthy sense of humour. I counted 7 chuckles and a snort today, and I can only afford the time to count chuckles and giggles only because I don't have a job.

I am still looking forward to waking up every morning, and especially waking up to breakfast. I think I'm going to have a ham and cheese sandwich for breakfast tomorrow.

I am definitely looking forward to friends mailing me 10 dollar notes about reading this post. I don't think I'll get more than 15 dollars and a 50 pence stamp though.

Another Cooking Snippet

While performing the time-consuming and extremely troublesome task of peeling shallots, I started to understand how men feel with regards to their women.....

Small. Time-consuming and attention-demanding with their many layers just to unveil. It takes so much just to get to the nub of it, although it is undeniably flavourful and fragrant.

I hate peeling shallots! I think I need a man to help me peel them; they may just understand the mightly shallot better, as a man.

For Hire!

Now I REALLY want to get a job!

I think I'm suffering from "Chicken Coop" syndrome.

They say working is tough, but I say staying at home is tougher.

Because it requires real dedication and discipline and passion and self-motivation and time management, not the pseudo-type we usually see in most offices, to try to impress the bosses.

Because one can't skive at home, with every minute a waste of an alternative opportunity.

Because one is at work 24 x 7, whether as a work-from-home person or a home-maker.

Because people who work at home don't have a whole hour for lunch, or to do whatever one wises.

And lastly, because I just want to get out of the house!

So who wants to hire me?!

My name is O and I'm an alcoholic...

If ever I take to drink, it will be because of my stupid attempts to try to teach dumb children.

I'm wondering whether the children born after me, and that will be 1977, have somehow lost the ability to THINK, or whether I was THAT dumb when I was young, and now I am suffering retribution for having driven my teachers up the wall with my stupidity.

But seriously, I cannot imagine myself not even having the ability to synthesize information according to the question posed, nor the common sense to do my Maths problems in handwriting big and clear enough for me to differentiate between an "a" and a "9"! (They do look pretty similar don't they? YES, ESPECIALLY IF I CHOOSE TO SQUEEZE EVERYTHING I WRITE INTO THE SMALLEST AVAILABLE SPACE FOR FEAR OF WASTING PAPER!)

And tell me, how can a student who's set to do his GCSE O Levels this year, not even able to do SIMULTANEOUS EQUATIONS for freaks' sake! I repeat, SIMULTANEOUS EQUATIONS! How did he ever even get to this stage, when he doesn't know how to do BASIC ALGEBRA!

And BRACKETS! Brackets freaking mean something in Maths! They're not FOR FUN!

And who says the best way to write a composition is to MEMORISE MODEL ESSAYS AND SPEW THE WORDS OUT ON A PIECE OF PAPER DURING THE EXAM, JUST BECAUSE THE TOPIC LOOKS SIMILAR, BUT MAY REQUIRE YOU TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE ESSAY YOU MEMORISED?!

I'm not even half done ranting. But I'm thirsty. I'll have another crate of beer if you please.

Death

I hate death. With a vengence.

Not because I'm afraid of it; it is no mystery nor is it an unknown.

Death is simply, the absence of life.

And that's why I hate it so much, because it robs and takes away life, vivacity, passion and all that which makes it worthwhile.

Even the worst of illnesses, or poverty, or bad car crashes can only take away some health, mulnutrition, or a part of your body; but life and soul and verve still efferverses through the pain, the sufferings, the lack of a body part. There is still life, spirit, vibrancy bubbling through, coming out of every pore, every laugh, every smile, every twinkle of the eye. There is still a reason to rejoice, and to celebrate, as long there is still a spark left.

But along comes death and takes it all away, leaving only darkness, silence, oblivion.

Cooking Snippet #n

I just tried making fried rice, the simplest of all Chinese dishes. But it was really bad.

I suck! Big time.

But I ate it anyway. I was hungry and there was nothing else to eat.

Haha.

But oh I just learnt from Nigella how to make pancakes. I'll make you some next time Ozy, blueberry syrup and all!

Wanted: A Body

These are some things that hold true for me.

- It's never my intention to be an insufferable bitch.
- I don't like feeling angry.
- I really don't like fights either.

So can somebody explain to me why I am in this situation where I am feeling so angry I could literally hurl and even though I really don't like it and I tell myself to cool down and try to be objective about things (whatever that might mean), what I really want to be is to be yelling what I really think, all rude things of course.

It's well and good to tell me I should cool down blah blah blah. I know that, and I've tried to, but it didn't work. I've tried watching TV and reading to distract myself, going to sleep in the hope that I'd feel better after waking up the other side of the bed as Ozymandias suggested. But they all didn't work.

And of course there's the possible collateral damage, that even though I try not to bring the lousy mood I'm in along to the next person, the next person usually does get some of the crap, on account of me being jumpier than a grasshopper on a trampoline.

Usually, when I'm in "one of those moods", I usually go away by myself until I'm better so that poor innocent passer-bys, like Ozymandias, won't get the tailend of a possibly vicious and sarcastic tornado.

But at the same time, what I really need is someone to distract me from all that, with possibly a discussion about his screenplay or an invitation to go be a busybody at that person's wedding, or a mention of my favourite food. That usually helps me put aside the problem, until it surfaces its ugly head again, like the monster under my bed, which visits every once in a while.

But what I really wish is for someone whom I know I can be honestly confess that I have something on my hands I can't deal with, and to possibly just let me rant until my head clears. Or better still, tell me what the heck is my problem because I sure as hell don't know. But the honest and real response of most people, not that I do blame them because it's not fun spending time with a sarcastic bitch, would usually be "Please take your problem and go somewhere else with it". And I usually try to. Really! But I couldn't find anywhere else to go with it this time round.

So, does anybody know someone who is for hire and charges a reasonable rate per hour?

PS And NO Ozymandias, this is NOT about YOU either! I'm just quoting your very quote-worthy conversations.

Negative Expectations

Wee insists there's no such thing as negative expectations, but after thinking about it long and hard, I must still insist that there is such a thing. Let me try to explain the concept of negative expectations to the uninitiated....

Once upon a time, many eons ago, I went out with a friend and his girlfriend. Being a very understanding person, I was already prepping myself for well, a non-enjoyable time with two people who only had eyes for each other and no one else, and feeling like the unwanted third wheel. Well, I ended up not only NOT enjoying myself, but I was bored to tears a well as being made to feel more than unwanted; I was made to feel invisible. Having set out with zero expectations, I realised less than zero, I realised negative expectations, with the outing turning out worse than I'd foreseen.

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been officially introduced to the concept of negative expectations, when you not only expect nothing, you expect to suffer.

I have a friend, whom I'm going to name A so as not to reveal the sex or the name of the person, so I don't have to answer any questions from people thinking, whether correctly or incorrectly, "O's talking about me!". (Aren't I the clever one?)

Before I start on my tirade, I'm just going to make a point which some may find un-necessary, that the point about friendship is that the people in it get something out of it, whether it's emotional support or a sympathetic ear or good advice or maybe even cold hard cash; but whatever it is, friendship's suppose to be a symbiotic relationship in which all parties win.

Where was I? Oh yes, I've come to a point in my, erh, relationship with A when I've come to expect nothing from her/him/it. And yet everytime, I find a new low in the relationship. It reached zero some time ago and ever since then it's been going to new heights of negative. And every time I thought I've reached new depths, something comes up and I find out my expectations are still too high. It's currently at negative 2 million 45 thousand 3 hundred and 6 by the way.

So now I'm wondering. Do I...
(A) watch the relationship dither to new depths, and see when and how it finally bottoms out?
(B) reset to zero and give it a new start, wipe the slate clean and all?
(C) or, bale out immediately and leave a mere shell of a person to pander to its/her/his never-ending need for attention and more attention?

Anyway, in the meantime, I'm tired of being good and reasonable and conciliatory; I just want to be unreasonable and tell A what I really think of him/her/it. I know this sounds childish, but while I may be good on the outside, but I'm really rebelling on the inside. So there!

Cooking Snippet I-Lost-Count

I've been chopping and dicing non-stop the whole day, for at least 5 hours. And my right arm and wrist is aching for all that knife work.

Ouch.

I never knew cooking was such hard work.