Oh piss off!

I'm annoyed.

Incredibly annoyed.

At myself.

I'm a bit like that nursery rhyme character who's "very bad" whenever the fancy takes him, or "very very good" when the occasion calls for it. Well, for today, I'm very very bad.

I didn't rip anybody's head off, or gorged on chocolates and ice-cream all day. Nothing of that sort at all. What I can safely say though is that today was a complete waste of time, and I felt like a complete waste of person, whose absence won't be very much felt in the bigger scheme of things.

It is hard though to be continually self-motivated in the absence of salary or a promotion to work towards, the ogre to look over your shoulder, and an omniscient and omnipotent presence that is the CEO, usually stationed and located in another country, pithily inspiring you with his nonsensical townhall messages. It sounds ridiculous I know, but I seem to be missing all that stuff that I used to make fun of before - a salary, an organisational structure, bureaucracy and red-tape. All that stuff, funnily, I've realised made me feel sort of important about myself before, just because I had a budget sheet to hand up or a presentation to present or something similarly important-sounding, and while I don't miss all that, erh, stuff, I do miss feeling important.

Oh don't get me wrong. I do enjoy not working and having my own time to work on my own projects and all that, but the absence of ridiculous and arbitrary timelines, which were very prevalent before, made everything seem, well, "procrastinable" if there's such a word. It's so easy to put things off and say, oh I'll do it tomorrow. There're loads of stuff I could do, lots of great stuff, that I always wanted to do but "never had the time". Well, I have the time now, so why aren't I doing it?

I'm so annoying sometimes. And it bugs me so much, I want to watch TV and forget about annoying me. Which makes it all the more worse of course.

So now I've resorted to ranting online. And I'm wondering how much of that my ardent fans can take, and seriously, I'm even boring myself. "Enough already!"

Damn it, I need a major spanking!