Shoulda Coulda Woulda

"Shoulda Coulda Woulda" by Beverly Knight was my favourite song once upon a time. Or maybe it wasn't my favourite song in the sense that I loved it and wanted to listen to it all the time. But it was indeed in my head all the time, becaue it was echoing what I was going through at that point of time in my life then, and all the different choices that I was faced with every single minute of every day during that period.

Well, time passed and today, I've almost forgotten what the song sounds like now. For one, it's dated and nobody would listen to it now. Another thing is, it really is quite a crap song, and nobody worth their salt would even really vouch for it. Even I am embarassed to admit that it suddenly popped into my head as I was re-doing, for the #$^&*#$( millionth time, my damn CV.

While doing, or re-doing my CV is a hateful thing in itself, it's not that which bugs me as much as, well something else. While I would tell Oz that I have a plan for what I want to do next, and I really do have a plan, kind of, it's only honest to admit that I do have doubts about the "plan" sometimes.

For starters, I can't even articulate what the plan is and how do I even go about starting it. It is also the most difficult project that I have embarked on, to date, and I'm not even sure I'm capable of doing it. And as I reflect upon all the impossibilities, I catch myself going, "Damn! Am I sure I want to do this, or should I just abandon ship and catch the next boat that comes along, which looks very much like, ahoy, a yacht!"

And then I catch myself starting to hum "And I wonder wonder wonder what I'm gonna do, cos 'shoulda woulda coulda' are the last words of a fool".

Yes, so although sometimes I am sure of what I want to do (I'm particularly good at pretending to be sure, especially when Oz asks "Are you sure?"), at most other times I think myself a fool.