Cringe

No thanks to Dumb Ass, I was reading through some of my old posts, way back from 2005 (such a looong time ago!), and it all seemed like such a different day and age, and even coming from an entirely different person!


Some of them were really cringe-worthy in terms of what I wrote about, and how I wrote, and how naive and ridiculous I was, just 5 years ago. But the surprising thing is, so much had change since then. Life has changed dramatically since then - the change is only obvious when one compares life in 2005 and the same in 2009, and I almost didn't recognise myself. It was such a different type of life, the lifestyle I was living, the types of friends I had, the things that I was concerned with. Not that it's good now and bad before, or vice versa, it's just, well, different. And the person I am now, and the person I was before, well, I'm just different. Not better, not worse, just different.


I'm not necessarily better now than before, neither am I worse off. It's just phases of life one has to go through I think, and in each slice of life, the focus, the values, the lifestyles all reflect different parts of that life cycle. I can't look back at myself in my 20s and bemoan my guilelessness, my naivety, my happy-go-luckiness then, because it's not a bad thing, it's just what I was at that point in my life.


I used to have this habit I think, when looking back on the year during Christmas time, to talk about the should-have-beens and the could-have-beens and do the oh-how-i-wished-i-had-done-it-differently-stupid-me. It was that desire to have every minute of my life perfect I think, to have the perfect job, perfect friends, perfect boyfriend and that refusal to have anything inperfect or ugly or embarrassing mar my life. But I suppose now, I am starting to accept that life is made up of the good, the bad, and ugly, and I have to learn to take it as it comes, and not take inperfect things as a personal affront. Life is just, well, life. It comes as it comes. There's a randomness about the universe in the sense that it doesn't care whether you're rich or intelligent or powerful or famous; when things happen, it just happens, regardless or who the heck you are.


Life is not fair. Who do we think that we are that life has to be fair, just for us? Why do we deserve money, a nice life, wonderful friends more than the other person does? It's a sense of the world owing us a living and expecting the world to revolve around us that we expect people to be nicer to us than they are to the other person.


Having said all that, it doesn't mean I don't believe in God but believe that the universe is random and what happens to our life depends on pur chance; it also doesn't mean that we should be fatalists in our thinking. I was merely making the point that life, and the people around us, doesn't owe us a damn thing, so stop expecting the world to pander to your wants and needs and stop complaining that "life is not fair". (I am talking to myself really.)


So if I haven't accomplished anything worth mentioning this year, well, at least I am starting to understand where I stand in the bigger scheme of things, at least I hope so. The road is further than I thought it was, and I'm further from my goal than I originally thought I was, having previously assumed and presumed that I had journeyed further than I had these past few years. And although the thought of having to traverse such a great distance does scare me, I guess I'll just work at taking it a step at a time, and start relying on pure hard word rather than thinking that I deserve to be given a break and have it easier.


All this is extremely uninteresting to read and all very difficult to understand. But I guess this is what I am at the moment - uninteresting and slightly confused, trying to figure things out. And even if it is uninteresting and boring, I still don't mind posting; this post might just prove to be quite pivotal and important when I look back at what I was before in 2019.