R.E.S.P.E.C.T

I've just realised how hard I find it working for and with, and even associating with people I don't respect.


And it sometimes happens that I may lose that respect in the middle of a conversation. A bit awkward that, but it does happen. And then I find myself pulling the brakes on myself right in the middle of that interaction, and I start mentally rolling my eyes and smiling amused sardonic smiles to myself.


I really must try harder to be less of a snob that way.

Scent versus Sweet Talk

Perfume is like flattery.

If too much of it is used, it overpowers and even causes the person whom it was intended to impress, to feel more sickened than anything else.

If wielded skillfully and with sincerity, it makes the interaction between two people that little bit more enjoyable and interesting.

But even in the absence of both, relationships and friendships can still flourish and bloom and grow beautiful.

Whilst sweet to smell, I still really hate perfume - using and smelling it. To me, it is an unnecessary and unpleasant assailment of my senses. It is a distraction and a smoke screen and a deliberate attempt to try to make me like the person faster and better. I like to take my time, and try to avoid people who focusses too much on scent or sweet talk.

Snow Globe Religion

When I was a little girl and those snow globe thingeys were all the rage for giving as presents to people we don't really know nor care very much about, the very young and very sacrilegious me used to think I was like the snowman/reindeer/santa in the snow globe and God, or at least the god who owns the snow globe within which I was residing, was the one shaking the snow globe to make things like snowflakes or jobs and weekends and stuff happen around me. So there was this world of 'gods', who all with their personal snow globes of people and things and stuff and what happens to the people in the different globes really depends on what their god/owner is like.

If I were a god with my very own personal snow globe for example, I'll probably be calling forth earthquakes and volcanic eruptions and exploding suns and moons and planets every five minutes just for the heck of it, and because I'm evil and whimsical and bored. Some more humane and kinder god-person might call down showers of rose petals upon their inhabitants and populate their snow globe with pixies and fairies. (Lewis Carroll would probably have lots of cats with big wide smiles in his snow globe.)

My faithful Snow Globe believers haven't sacrificed virgin young men and chocolate cake to me the whole of this week. I think I'm going to send some monster to eat them up later.

Critical Thinking

In my pursuit of intellectual honesty, I must first make an attempt to think critically (or critically think?).

1. Gather complete information, and from more than one source.
2. Understand and define terms (make others define terms, too).
3. Question the methods by which results were derived.
4. Question the conclusion. Do the facts support it? Is there evidence of bias? Remember, correlation does not equal causation.
5. Uncover assumptions and biases.
6. Question the source of information.
7. Don’t expect all the answers.
8. Examine the big picture.
9. Look for multiple cause and effect.
10. Watch for thought stopping sensationalism.
11. Understand your own biases and values.

From Human Biology: Health, Homeostasis, and The Environment, 3rd Edition, by Daniel D. Chiras

Watch out world! I might just become smart!

Miss Un-Congeniality

I've ceased trying to be congenial. I've decided it's not worth the effort, to agree with what I don't agree with, complaisant about things that don't make sense to me, obliging about doing things that don't add any value. I refuse to be Miss Congeniality for the sake of being popular and well-liked. Because it breeds a sense in people of they being able to get away with things they shouldn't be allowed to get away with, in my opinion, just because I am good-natured and easy-going.

So, no more going to places I don't want to go, doing things I don't want to do, saying "it's alright" when it's not alright. Just to be slightly more benevolent though, I'll give people three strikes before I threw them out.

Intellectual honesty

I chanced upon this phrase "intelletual honesty" while reading, of all things, a movie review, and was immediately capttivated by a word whose meaning I have absolutely no inkling of. I like "intellectual" and "honesty" as concepts on their own, and I figured that with the two combined together into a separate and absolutely different thing altogether, although I had no idea what it was yet, I liked it already.

Intellectual honesty apparently is an attribute of a good argument. It requires one to be always, constantly and relentlessly questioning's one own assumptions. It requries totally honesty and admitting the weaknesses behind one's arguments, and answering questionings of our beliefs and assumptions without waffling and hiding behind a concoction of truisms and argument fallacies, as well as taking umbrage and offense at every little thing that doesn't agree with one's presuppositions.

Much as I like to believe in the damn thing, complete intellectual honesty can hardly exists since one can hardly entirely master one's own presuppositions. Even if that's possible, we can hardly even be aware of all our presuppositions; we usually overrate our estimations of ourselves don't we?

Still, I like the idea of being intellectually honest. I may not have the intellectual capacity to cogitate and reason and rationalise rigorously and relentlessly, but it is still something I want to work towards. Because I don't think intellectual honesty is an indulgence. It is necessary in one's search for honest truth.

Hair!

Glee's Hairography episode had all its members, guys included, don long-hair wigs and wiggle their heads to a mash up of Hair, trying desperately to make their hair look sexier than a rival club's hair. There are some things that just cannot be borrowed, and that is somebody else's hair personality. Anyway, they failed miserably. Of course. Not to mention looking hideous in all that hair. Give me Puck's mohawk any day man!

Which brings me to the next point of, what's with this hair competition that's going on with the planet's women? Since when is long hair for a woman considered the be-all and end-all of all things hair? It irritates me to no end, hearing normally sane and sensible women over-react whine about "should I cut my hair", and going all envious and jealous over a friend's daring attempt to cut off her long hair and emerging with a darling chic bob, and then finally sighing and worrying that she won't look half as good with her hair short.

Hair grows! It's not the end of the world for goodness sakes! Why have today's women become all neurotic about hair, and finding their identity and solace in hiding their lack of personality in their so-shiny-and-so-long-it-can-be-used-to-strangle-people hair?

I am going to bring a big scissors with me everywhere I go so that the next time I hear anybody go, "Oh I wish I had the guts to cut my hair short like yours!", I'm going to grant them their wish one way or the other - gut them with the scissor or cut off all their way. I can't wait!

Two Weeks

I can't face reality, which is that I have only 2 weeks left to be in full possession of my own time before I relinquish all that to a crazy corporate job. It's funny how I am suddenly feeling pressed for time, to do all the things I would never be able to do once I start work. And all of that I have to squeeze into a 2-week timeframe whilst I had one and a half years to do that previously. I'm just mad it seems.

So now I have a list of at least 10 things I was suppose to try to bake/grill/fry/cook/whatever and at least 5 movies I want to watch including Martin Scorsese's Shutter Island (I still can't pronounce his name!) and Youth in Revolt and Ice Kacang Puppy Love. I'm trying to see whether I can squeeze in 2 dishes and 2 movies a day, which will come up to 28 dishes and movies before work starts. Now where am I going to find 28 movies worth watching?

So many things to do...

I've been blogging more recently because more things have been happening recently. By "things", I mean activities that I have to do, and I am not necessarily saying that events that are interesting or memorable or worthwhile or meaningful have taken place. The only reason that I am making that fine distinction is my personal observation that I seems to be able to blog more easily about things rather than interesting, memorable, worthwhile and meaningful events. Funny isn't it. Immortalising banal commonplace episodes instead of life-changing milestones. I really have my priorities mixed up don't I?

Anyway, back to blogging about the things I have to do now that I have found gainful employment and interestingly, they all involve grooming-ish stuff. I now have to do the stuff to project a front that is absolutely not me - the sophisticate and capable career woman mien. (Ha!) So I have to do something to my hair, remove all my eyebrows, and buy all the gunk that is required to look 'presentable' - namely, mascara, foundation, blemish coverage stuff, eyeliner, eye shadow, lipstick, blusher, I just need every damn thing they have on the market for the big debut. (Pffftt!). I also have to buy real shoes. (Damn them shoes! I'm going to miss going around shoeless!) I probably also need clothes, the starched and prim and proper kind. No more loose comfy cottony clothes that feels as if one's not wearing anything. Oh, I need to get a proper alarm clock to, to make sure I get up in time for work.

I am getting more depressed by the minute writing this. Now excuse me while I just go and bang my head on the wall a while.

Bleah

New experiences are suppose to be something we anticipate eagerly for, look forward to, can't wait to happen, and other happy, excited, enthusiastic type feelings. 

I know I'm suppose to be excited about a new job. And I normally would be. Even if it may be not what I really wanted in terms of the package and employment terms but still, a new job's a new job, and even with nothing to be excited about, money's always something to feel pleased about. But somehow, I'm not. Not thrilled, not pleased, no not even relieved. Just, not

What the heck's wrong with me? Well, I've got just about 2 weeks to find out. And after that, I'll probably be living the typical office rat lifestyle and once again wishing that I don't have to work like a slave.

Maybe it's such a permanent bug in me that I always want what I don't have?

Weirdo.

My Deserted Island

There's a movie that's a little of what my secret dream is, which is to be marooned on a secret island. The only problem with 'Lost' is that, to make it more palatable for the mass audiences, it incorporates sex and murder and conspiracy theories and what not into it, just to confuse people into thinking they're having a good time watching people who are stuck on an island.

Of course, my deserted island story would have none of those things. All I need on a deserted island is myself, some really great books, internet connection perhaps, a wee thatched-roof open-aired cottage, and perhaps a boat or a plane at my beck and call. Because really, what else does one need really? (Oh, plus lots of cakes and chocolates.)

They say "no man is an island", and I used to believe that for a while too. But recently, I realize that every man is really alone, just that they surround themselves with work and people and things and activities to feel otherwise. Having someone to share your thoughts and your life and your bed and your long lonely nights with, that's really a bonus.

Oh I'm not being cynical about friendships and romances and relationships. All I'm saying is, if you have somebody, good for you. But my deserted island concept merely means that everybody has to be able to survive on a deserted island, on their own, even if nobody is willing you to accompany you to that deserted piece of land, a lonely spot of something, isolated and determined to make a point in the great big wide ocean of everybody else.

So what is your relationship with people? Can you not survive without them, or can you survive in spite of them, because you yourself are a self-contained and self-sustaining system of hopes and dreams, of integrity and values and standards, which you will stand by come hell or high water.

If you are that, congratulations. If you are able to maintain your standards, and still have friends, I congratulate you even further.

Casual Randomness

After thinking it through, in a random, casual sort of way because that seems to be the only type of thinking my brain can manage nowadays, I decided that there is no one, absolutely nobody in my life right now that I think I can see and live with and be with 24x7.

Don't misunderstand me. I have lovely people in my life, whom I can't wait to meet up and shoot the breeze with, even in my current anti-social state of mind. Albeit a lesser number, which can be counted using one hand, but still, I'm no hostile hermit who shouts "go away go away" to the mere sign of approaching life. The only other problem is that, I don't think I can sustain a reciprocal level of interaction. It's not that I don't want to be constantly nice to people, but it's that, realistically speaking, it's just not sustainable.

I find myself behaving in a way that is sometimes quite different from the way I behave when I am alone and there is nobody around. (But then again, to be talking and gesturing enthusiastically to myself, I'm sure that' something nobdoy does.) But I do wonder whether the persona I'm projecting sometimes, is it really me, or am I hamming it up for the people around me. And if I am doing the latter, what is the reason I do that?

And at this point, my useless brain kind of hung and refuse to think anymore. I think I shall continue pursuing this casual, random line of thought another day.

The genius in all of us

Creativity is elusive and tantalising. Damn its slipperiness!

Dare I go alooking for transcendence?

*Ozy, there's a mention of Tom Waits within Elizabeth Gilbert's speech. So you must watch this!

The gift of the human imagination

When one wishes upon a star....

There are wonderful people on this earth, who thinks so much more about other people than they do themselves.

One has only to hear the about the stories and lives of these incredibly extraordinary people to get out of that state of total ennui and absolute cynicism. The world has turned the right side up for me again. Hurray.

Letting go?

Ok, now I am starting to feel silly about letting rip.

And it's not even half an hour since it happened.

Well, I guess it's no use crying over spilt milk. And I needed to get it off my chest. (Not that "getting it off the chest" is necessarily a legitimate and reasonable excuse for letting rip anyway.)

The worse thing of the aftermath is, to know what to do after letting rip at someone.

Letting go

I let rip at, well, somebody today. Obviously I thought it was a good idea then, and I still think it's a good idea, post-rip, but maybe in about half an hour's time, after I've drank calming green tea and all that, I'll regret it. Can't tell at this point.

Conflict management. I think I'm very bad at that. Sometimes I'm able to "swallow" things and move on. Other times, like this one, I exploded after having been pissed off too many times, and every time I was pissed off, I told myself, "It's ok. It's no big deal. Don't pay any attention to it." So I really thought it was inconsequential until today's outburst showed that I was more affected than I thought.

Like what Gar says, I guess it's better to deal with things as they come along instead of accumulating everything into one giant outburst. But sometimes it seems so trivial a matter, or I don't even know it's a big deal to me until a straw comes along and break my back. Some people, I can afford to let go, but others I'm loath to find them absent. I've yet to find a good way to deal with, well, stuff. I think I really need to do something about this.

I really don't like getting angry. It's an awful waste of time.

It's been a pleasure...

The new year's barely started and already it's started to surprise me.

Out of a clear blue sky, a friend suddenly asked me out. Even though we hadn't talked for at least 10 years, and even though we barely knew each other 10 years ago, I decided, even in my anti-social hibernation mode, to make the effort to reciprocate and have a meal with her. Sincerity does count for something to me, in this narcisstic world we live in. And to have an almost stranger make the appointment, I am, to risk sounding conceited, pleased with the effort.

Going off tangent, maybe I should elaborate on this "feeling pleased" theme.

I've come to a point where I don't need constant reassuring that I'm doing the right thing, but through common sense, greater objectivity (than before), and clear-sighted friends around me who will not hesitate to tell me I'm wrong, I am now able do the things I do and say the things I say without feeling apologetic about it.

And I'm unapologetic about saying that I feel "pleased" with my friend's effort, at the risk of sounding conceited, or at the risk of sounding like people have to do things to gain my favour. Because the people who know me well will know otherwise. And those who don't know me, well, it's hardly worth the while to explain myself to you isn't it?

Feeling pleasure when it comes to friendships is an almost un-heard of emotion. People feel love for their friends, they feel sentimental about them during special occasions. When things turn sour, they feel disappointment, or if things go really badly, they feel betrayed which may or may not then turn to hatred.

But yet have I heard anybody express pleasure at seeing their friends, or even at the mere thought of them. And because I've cut down my socialising a fair bit, just because I haven't been working the whole of last year and am still looking for a job, and attempting to cut down my activities to either the inexpensive or those that are free, the people I have left around me have been bringing me even greater delight. Even more so because they've shown respect for a situation which I sometimes find discouraging, understanding my change of habits and lifestyles as I try to cut back on the unnecessary, and even finding ways and means to accomodate. All the things that they've done in putting me above themselves during this period and even bending over backwards sometimes, I find pleasure in them.

And the even greater thing about it is, I am so comfortable with these people that I no longer feel bad about having caused them inconvenience and sacrifice the past year. I know them to be unmecenary and uncalculative, and not forever counting who owes who favours after each deed. And I'm not ungrateful; I will let them enjoy the pleasure of being connected to me, and they do find pleasure, I hope, in my friendship. (This whole sentence sounds so wrong but who cares!)

It's so easy to find pleasure in friends like this. And for strangers who make such an effort to connect, this shows the signs of a possibly pleasurable friendship, and so I will respond with all the sincerity and friendliness I possess.

And my friends, it's really been a pleasure. And it's going to continue being a pleasure I'm sure.

Happy New Year

Every year around this time, I post about my resolutions for the new year, meandering on and on about the things I'm determined to achieve in the new year, the better person I'm going to become etc etc etc. Well, there is going to be none of those this year. For what is the point of new resolutions for the old life. So, this year, I'm going to get myself a new life instead. That makes more sense doesn't it?

Happy new year everybody!

Happy 2010!