No more

This trying to be a better person thing is tough.

On days like this, it feels as it the effort is not worth it anymore, that no matter how much you try, it's never enough; and that whoever you try for, they're too wrapped up in their own selfish agenda to care about trying to return the favour, that is, assuming that they even have a spot of affection for you, that they're even picking up on your existence on their radar.

On days like these, when disappointment abounds, I'm ready to just pack up and leave the rest of the world to their existence, and retreat to mine. No more trying to be nice, no more trying to help, no more trying to make a difference. After all, all one gets in return for one's efforts is a crock of shit anyway.

When I get to that point, my anger and disappointment switches to the other extreme; I feel guilt for everything that is happening. It's my fault that I'm not a nice/patient/polite/tolerant/smiley/tactful/soft-spoken etc etc etc person. This happened before I screwed up on the other thing, that happened because I wasn't tactful enough. Everything happened, well, because I'm not good enough a person basically.

I try not to, but I blame my lower middle class upbringing, my brought up - everything that is the opposite of privileged. I just grew up, just short of being 'dragged up'. I was never 'brought up' properly. That's when I also think people should take exams to see whether they're worthy to be parents.

Am I being unfair? Am I being unreasonable and childish? Maybe I am, but that's why I feel right now. Am I being ungrateful for what I've been blessed with? Am I complaining too much? Am I being naive in thinking that privileged people don't have their own problems and sufferings. Maybe I am. And no I don't think that other people don't have their own problems, but I'll like to at least like to start suffering something different from what has plagued me my entire life.

At rock bottom, when I think I'm scum, I get angry again and feel the injustice of having to look out for others when others don't look out for me. I always come back to the same questions."Why do I have to be the one giving in to somebody else's demands?". "Why do I have to think for the benefit of somebody else? Who is thinking for mine benefit?". "Why do I have to make the first move?". "Why do I have to apologise first?". "Why do I have to seek reconciliation?". "Why do I have to do the harder work while somebody else can sit back and relax?" Why why why? It feels terribly unfair, and I bristle at the unfairness of it all. Why do I give a damn about these people anyway? I don't need them. And I will make sure that I never want or need anybody, ever again.

Seriously, never again. The problem is not people, but the problem is my liking people, trusting them, trying to help them. But not only do they not appreciate it, I have to suffer for my attempt to help.

I am angry. I am disappointed. I am feeling hurt and vulnerable and like a fool. I want to hurt the people who  hurt me. I want them to feel the sense of loss that I feel. I want them to go all out 100% for something that bites them back. I want them to feel like a fool, a colossal fool, a hundred times over.

I want to be allowed to be vindictive, vengeful, cruel, manipulative, wicked. I want to be allowed to give full reign to my anger. I want to amoral and conscienceless.

I want to not care anymore.