Love me. Hate me.

You can love me. You can hate me. But you can't ever ignore me.

There are some people whom you just love, all the time, because they're just so kind and nice and tactful. Like G. I wish I was like that too. But unfortunately, I'm not.

Even my good friends want to throw things at me sometimes. For being so blunt and direct and irreverent. For not mincing my words when I tell them things about themselves. For being rude and callous and rough. For being an opiniated cynic. For being anti-social. For shooting my mouth off without thinking. For being sarcastic and self-deprecatory. For loving a good joke, sometimes at other people's expense. And for not even knowing I've done something wrong. And sometimes, for just being plain annoying and irritating.

But at other times, they love me too, for just being me, for strangly, they love me for the same reasons that they hate me for. Yes, even the annoying and irritating part.

At this point, I guess I should thank my friends for putting up with my nonsense. * kiss kiss hug hug*

But I guess, much as I want to be loved only. It's just me lah, to be provocative and shameless and offensive, yet blur, and for being an irreverent loud-mouth jack-a**. So, please love me. Don't hate me.

And don't ever ignore me! (Or not I'll box your ears!)

F*** everything and everybody...

It's just one of these days that I feel like saying to people, "Why don't you just f*** off!"

Maybe it's signalling the impending of a period of cramps and grouchiness and what not.

Or maybe I'm just fed-up with the world in general. With their rules and their obligations and political correctness and what they think I should do for them.

Well, f*** off.

I don't owe you or anybody anything. I don't have to follow normal human rules if I don't want to. I'm not obligated to be nice to you and do what you want. And what are you going to do about it if I say what I really think about you?

What on earth do I have to be politically correct about things? Facts are not meant to be chewed down, and spit out as mushed-up morsels!

Rant rant rant! I could just rant all day.

Well, obviously this post is not talking about certain people like Gar, Wee, Niang, and E, who are my ardent fans. It's just about the freaking world in general.

And I'm sorry for the vulgar content with all the ****. I tend to over-react and be very verbal when I get frustrated or pissed off. Hahahahahah.

Is it just me?!

I've been feeling guilty.

Because the things I should be doing I don't want to do. And the things I should do less of, I keep doing.

Examples of things I should be doing that I don't feel like doing, or am not doing are: 1. Work 2. Work 3. Work

And the stuff that I should be doing less of, like sleeping, shopping, spending money, sugar binging, swimming (they all seem to start with "s"!), I just want to do the whole day long!

Like right now, when I rightfully should be putting in my eight hours worth of hard work for my employee, all I want to do is to go to sleep, or shopping. Even better still if I can go both at the same time. But with things the way they are i.e. I need the money that comes from the job to put bacon on the table, and can't afford to get sacked, I just have to be contented with blogging during office hours. And thinking of legitimate ways to actually not have to go to work.

Lest you think I'm the skiving conniving unethical employee, I am feeling that teeny-weeny bit guilty about not doing work lor! It's just that I seem to have gone all stupid and dumb and incapable of writing comprehensible slides about marketing and campaigns and product launches and what not!

Speaking of being dumb and stupid, I now come to the second point of "Is it just me? Or can anybody else relate to this", which is, I'm feeling dumb and stupid.

Or maybe, it's not just a feeling, but I am really dumb and stupid.

These moments of self doubt are there all the time. It's almost every other minute that I go "I shouldn't have said that, or done that."

I shouldn't sneeze. I shouldn't run. I shouldn't smile. I should smile more. I should talk softer. I should have been firmer. I should take a bus. I should take MRT. I shouldn't take MRT. I should walk. I shouldn't have walked, it's so hot. Well, you get the idea...

Sometimes I wonder, is this normal? Am I suffering from an undiscovered mental condition? Do people ever stop obsessing about anything and eveything? Boy it must be nice to feel like I'm right all the time.

So, the question is, is it just me?

I guess I'll feel better if it's not just me and that everybody else goes through the same thing too.

Then the next thing is, I'll feel depressed that everybody else seems to be handling it better than me!

Hahahahahaha...

Oh dear I'm becoming as Obsessive Complusive. *scream*

What if you had one day left to live?

Birds of a feather flock together. So the friends and I were happily discussing morbid stuff about what would we do if we discovered we had one day more to live.

Some were determined to do everything they had always ever wanted to do but never ever had the chance to do into that one short day. By that, I suppose they want to fulfill their fantasies of kissing every girl within reach or finally lambasting their bosses, colleagues, so-called friends for being such irritating gutless idiots who are even lesser beings than pond-scum etc etc etc

The practical ones, like me, just wanted to make inform everybody and say a proper goodbye, I'll miss you and have a good life.

The even more practical ones, unlike me, wanted to make sure that their will's all written out, their insurance policies all signed and in place, and to take up new policies worth a hundred million dollars.

And then and then, there were those who gave model answers like, if they found out they had only one more day to live, they will live it like how they live any other life because all they wanted to do they've already done and taken care of. And of course they went on and on about how one must always live life as if it's their last day on earth, and to be always prepared for inevitabilities, and to live a life without regrets, so that when they discover it's their last day on earth, there's no need to scramble, because there's nothing left undone or unsaid....

At which point, I rolled my eyes (in my heart lah, because cannot be rude girl mah).

I mean, the sentiment's laudable, wanting to live a life without regrets. But really and seriously, even if I've been an absolute angel all your life, which I haven't, when faced with deat in 24 hours, I will still find myself speechless, dumbstrucked, dazed, and all of the above. Because hello, this is death we're talking about!!!!

I shall not even start on the topic. It's so deep and cheem and fantastic a topic, I have absolutely nothing to say about it!

But whatever it is, you get my drift, dying is a big thing. But frankly, I don't think there's any way one can live one's life in a way that there are absolutely no room for regrets. For most of us, if we're going to live our lives that way, we'll probably cut off 95% of all activities. Heck, if I were dying tomorrow, I wouldn't even show up for work today!

The truth of the matter is, dying and living, means two different ways of 'living' altogether. The former concentrates on dying, the latter on living. That's why for the latter, banal ordinary things like putting bread on the table, activities for leisure and being politically correct are important. If you're dying, you'll probably throw a fit if asked go out of the way to be nice to someone you can't stand in the first place. Because perspectives have changed you see, and therefore, so have priorities.

So, live your life with the idea of living, not dying. Just make a mental note while you're at it, that while living, don't forget that someday you'll be dying, and you at least have lived a life worth living, and one that you enjoyed.

Anyway, I'm going to go write my will now, so as to free up the last 24 hours of my life, if and when it really comes, for other things, like enjoying a calorie-laden triple chocolate cake....