Egotistical Sublime

I've got 2 new comments about me.

Somebody said I have a big ego.

Which means, according to Dictionary.com, I am conceited, full of self-importance, self-centered, devoted to my own interests and advancement.

But when I asked how exactly I am egoistic, I don't get a satisfactory answer.

So even if I'm an egoiste, I'm a confused egoiste.

Oh, the same person said I was emotional too. That one I know lah.

But the one helpful thing this person said was, to counter emotional doesn't mean that one has to be emotionless, it just means one has to objectively take into consideration the context of the event.

Well, at least one good thing came out of an otherwise, very confusing conversation.

The journey of self discovery

Continuing on the journey of self-discover, for it was that essentially, that brought to mind all the stuff people said when attempting to describe me.

Anyway, that was all just self-deprecatory fun, the previous blog about my looking like Liv Tyler, and Charlie Theronz and what not. I thought it was kind of funny really, although some will think I'm just blowing my own trumpet. Anyway, I didn't make any of that up, it's all true. It's just the commentators' eyesight that's suspect.

But it's not the extraneous stuff that I'm interested in, looking like who or what, but what people say and think I'm like as a person, that I really want to know. Call it curiosity or narcissim, but it's really for me to know myself more.

Because, really, we don't really know ourselves all that well sometimes. We may have been born a certain way, but being people, we're usually not very satisfied with ourselves and we try to change, or we become something different to try to please someone else, or to fit society's idea of what is good and lovely and desirable. At the end of the day, we end up looking like a very much edited Word document, with all the different changes and colours and cancellations and edits from having the Track Changes function turned on. We become illegible, confused, messed up, and ultimately not quite understandable.

That's kind of sad isn't it? That's kind of how I feel right now.

Confused. The person I thought I was, I turned out not to be, and I turned out to be the person I never knew I was. I thought it was better to be something else, and I became nothing at all in the end.

So, what am I?

Two incidents came to mind in my attempts to piece the stuff I know about myself with the comments and remarks that people make about me, together to form some kind of coherent picture.

Recently, a fan of my blog remarked that she was pleasantly surprised to find out that I actually think more than I seemed to. She was also surprised to find my blog persona dramatically different from what I was like in real life. Apparently, I'm much nicer in real life than in my blogs.

Great, just great! Not only do they think I'm a bimbo, they think I'm a bimbo with a split personality!

Some time ago, a friend told me that I have a tendency to help people show off their best bits while always highlighting my own less shiny parts.

I'm not really sure whether I just got insulted or was that really a compliment. So am I the motivating sort of just plain stupid? There are those who pretend to be better than they really are. Then there are those who are precisely who they behave as. Do I guess I belong to the third category, who seems determined to prove to the world that they're really quite dumb. (Sigh!)

Anyway, this journey of self discovery promises to be a long tedious one. Not to mention very confusing too. Am I smart or stupid? Nice or mean? Patient or bad-tempered? Hardworking or a skiver? Capable or useless?

So you folks out there, for those who wants to, do drop me a note to tell me what you think - what you like about me, and what you absolutely hate about me and you think I should try to change. I promise to seriously consider all your comments and try, and angels can't do more.

PS I so know what E's going to say. She'll tell me to STOP interrupting her and to try to keep the speed of my thoughts to 1 per minute so that I won't keep changing topics of conversation like a bullet train. Or, I'm suppose to learn to talk slower and softer too.

Between a rock and a hard place

I'm seem to be in this place of in-betweens.

The thing I use to be, I no longer am. But the thing I'm suppose to be, I'm not there yet. So where am I? I'm in the place of in-between, and the only way to to go is, either back from the place where I came from, or to try again to reach the place that I've been walking for a long time towards.

I feel exactly like Robert Frost in Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening. I've found this little lovely copse of woods where I want so much to stop and play and rest and indulge myself, and get myself lost in, so nobody can find me in there. But I can't, because I have to keep to my promises and keep on journeying, but oh, it's so many many more miles before I will reach the end of my journey.

Why so long?

The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep

My friends say...

This, my friends, is a strictly Humour entry, because you'll be rolling on the floor laughing when you hear some of these. These are a compilation of what some of my friends said about me..

My friend said I remind him of Liv Tyler. [Liv Tyler's armpit hair more like it!]

Another friend said I reminded him of Charlie Theronz. [I'm thinking Charlie in the movie "Monster"?]

The same person also said I possessed the Miriam Yeung and Sammi Cheng aura. [Whatever that means. But it's ok, I like them in their ditzy 傻妹 roles.]

The latest one is, Dunno-Who says I resemble a bit the Korean actress 金贤珠 from the 玻璃鞋 show. [The one who died from leukemia or something, at which point I remembered retorting with a "Thanks ah!", because this person is so sweet and cute I can't help but cringe. ]

And since this is MY blog, I'm allowed to say whatever complimentary things about myself. I'm also allowed to say very loudly that I think my friends have very very bad eyesight. In fact, I think they're quite nearly blind.

Yes, fine. Go ahead and roll on the floor laughing. Just make sure you don't get stepped on by a wandering elephant.

Don't lose hope

"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream"

Martin Luther King Jr

There's a time for everything...

There's a time for everything under the sun.

A time to hold on, a time to let go.
A time to remember, a time to forget.
A time to cry, a time to laugh.
A time to hope, a time to give up.
A time to be soft, a time to be hard.
A time to scold, a time to be nice.
A time to work, a time to relax.
A time to try harder, a time to say "enough is enough".

The question is, how do we know when it's time to do what?