Obligations!

I've always hated being tied down, in all senses of the word. I've always loved being to do whatever I want to do, the way I want to do it, and whenever I want to do it. All my life I've fighted against any attempts to control or to fit me into a box. Sometimes even at my own peril.

As a child, I refused to engage in any activities that will 'improve' me. I refused to be one of those kids who were forced by their parents to do things they didn't want to do, so the parents will have 'face'. So I instinctively refused anything my parents suggested, even when it was something I liked. As a teenager, I was very rebellious. I refused to let my parents know my whereabouts and whom I was hanging out with although I myself acknowledged that as the child of my parents, I should have at least the decency to do that. And growing up and dating, I never let my boyfriends know me longer than 6 months. I never allow anybody to be too nice to me in case I feel obligated about returning any favours. (Hmm! Maybe that explains my sometimes excessive generousity towards my friends! After all, I can't really be such a nice person can I?) At work, I make sure I give back to the company what is due to them, in hard work and contributions to the job.

I hate being obligated. It means I have to do the things I don't want to do, all because I owe it to the person. It frustrates me sometimes to be have to be nice and concillatory even though I'll love to just bite the person and scream in his or her face. Obligation also means committment. And committment also means having to stay when you feel like walking out the door. It also means having to stay and work even though all you want to do is travel the world and the seven seas. It means being friends with people whom you love, but whom you also sometimes hate.

Obligations are there for the long run, whether I like it or not. I've got my obligations to my family, to make sure that my family is taken care of, and comes to no harm. I've got obligations to my friends, to be decent to them, and not to hurt their feelings, even if they've hurt mine. I've got obligations to my work, to do the best that I possibly can despite what I feel about the job and the people who run the company. I've got my own personal obligations to myself, to not let my wildfulnes get in the way of doing the right thing by people.

However, despite my best efforts to be good, that streak of rebellion still surfaces every once in a while, no matter howI try to persuade myself out of it. I'm not quite sure why this inherent desire to be free from all things and all people is so very strong in me. It's not like I really have something to fight against for survival's sake. It's like a bottled-up resentment against the world and all it stands for breaking free inside me, and letting forth a river of wild, vile and violent behaviour towards the things and people around me, the poor things. Omigod, I sound like the devil's very own spawn.

Sometimes I wonder: am i inherently rotten inside me, but just beind held together by strictures and decorum so that people around me will not see the bad that is really me?