My resolution to write everyday has not stopped me from being lazy and not doing what I said I would, but at least it's making me try harder in trying to stick to it. So here I am, after a hiatus of, well, I lost count of how many days, back again.
Today I'm going to talk about turning 35.
In some ways, 35 is just another number. Being 35 is no different from being 25 or 15 or whatever. It wasn't momentous in any way. I didn't feel as if I've crossed a certain threshold for anything; I didn't feel like I've "arrived" somewhat somewhere. It wasn't more special than having turned 34. In that respect, it was just another day in all of my days, just another number in the series of numbers that makes up live - number of failed relationships, number of jobs gone through, amount of money earned, amount of money lost etc.
In other ways though, this was a very special birthday to me, because for once I finally feel as if I am going somewhere, a destination, a final goal that I've set out for myself, and amazing of amazing, I actually know where I'm going.
Life didn't feel as random now; life wasn't just the potential or possibility of anything and everything possibly happening to me. Whilst life was exciting and spontaneous and unpredictable that way, it also meant that life could go spinning off axis and out of control with any one thing that came spinning into my orbit - any thing, any person, any situation, anything could spark off something off of any proportion. I looked to see what life would bring me each day, and pursued any random occurrence to its random arbitrary haphazard end. Which means I basically allowed my life to be determined by capricious chance; I am a mere plaything of statistical occurrences.
I am not exactly sure how I got to this point, where, at 35, I am starting to feel hopeful about myself. Not "happy", not "satisfied", not "contented", just hopeful. It feels as if there's something to look forward to, there's potential in my life, in myself waiting to be realised, and I can feel it coming; despite everything, it's coming.
It's not as if everything's great and smooth-sailing. In fact, life seems more troublesome, more frustrating, more scary, more challenging than I'm ever expected it to be. When I think about tomorrow, I sometimes quail at the prospect of all the crap that's going to come my way. But when I look back and see how I've grown this year, how far I've come, how I've learnt to deal with situations I couldn't before, how I have cultivated and developed that confidence, that assurance, that stability I didn't have before, I feel sure that I will grow to fill those seemingly impossible shoes, the shoes I'm meant to fill, the shoes of the great, wise, compassionate, capable, person I'm meant to be. And I know this for a fact.
And the amazing thing is, I was so afraid that I was losing myself in this process, and I was wrong. I thought that changing means having to give up everything that I thought I am, the essence of my persona and personality, but it is the reverse actually. Because I am starting to enjoy myself again; because the things that used to "spoil my fun", that frustrated me and made me angry disappeared as my outlook broadened and expanded. I was now free to enjoy myself even more. Life actually became pleasant.
There was this thing that I found so difficult to give up; it was so dear to me, and I held on to it irrationally and illogically and brought myself a lot of pain and hurt and confusion. But the day I decided to give it up, to not allow myself to be held back by this thing that was so big to me, something interesting happened. Letting go suddenly wasn't so painful anymore, and my closed hurt mind suddenly became able to see other things, good things, that were willing and able to more than fill up that gaping hole in my heart. And I felt fullness instead of the emptiness I expected, serenity instead of the confusion and pain I thought I would have to go through, patience and understanding instead of being angry and bitter with how the situation turned out.
Even though I'm not much of a celebrator of birthdays, I still go through the solemn ritual of marking the day as an end to the past year, and the beginning of a new year. And every year I would tell myself I can't wait to see what the next year brings. This year, while the words remain the same, the essence of that statement is changed. This year, there is more than mere anticipation and curiosity to see what the year 35 brings for me; there is now an excitement, and expectation of good things, great things, and an impatience to see what this year will bring forth.
So happy 35th birthday to me, and here's to what the year will bring for me.
Cheers!
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