Not only am I difficult, my friends are becoming difficult as well...

I think it's my bad influence, that they are becoming increasingly difficult.

Although they insist that they are not being difficult, and that I'm accusing them wrongly. Which further proves my point that they are becoming more difficult doesn't it; all this back-talk and being so argumentative is not becoming at all.

Anyway, I being the most difficult of them all, I've forced my friends to take the day off with me when I am finally allowed to take a day off. No reason why. Just because I say so.

Then we can go watch a movie, or sit at Starbucks and ogle men and women, or simply stare at the ceiling, and generally, just being, difficult.

Yes, I'm tyrannical and unreasonable and a bully and I anyhow scold people, but that's only to people I consider friends. So if you want to be my friend, you must put up with my difficultness.

So, bite me.

Interestingly, it's with people I'm not so close with that I'm nicer and friendlier and generally more polite and tolerant of their faults, but that's a story for another day.

Anyway, it certainly seems to be more worthwhile NOT being my friend than being my friend, so I guess I have to throw in some freebies to keep my friends.

So while my friends get bullied, they can expect the following benefits:-

• Free and endless entertainment, via MSN, SMS and just being in my presence is entertainment enough; a single dose of Me can last them for more than a week.


• A lot of free advice, more bad than good. And generally, they can expect me to poke fun at or make light of the situation, until they find themselves more amused than sad/angry/whatever at the situation.


• Their boyfriend/girlfriend/partner will get to enjoy the same benefits as them, free of charge. Their friends are my friends too! So upon the first meeting with their whoevers, I will be talking non-stop and telling him/her/it funny stories and poking fun of and the arm of him/her/it.


• They won't only get presents during your birthday, but they could get presents any time of the year, as an early or belated present. Christmas for them could be November, and Happy New Year kisses come in June, and their birthday present could come six months early, or late, depending on how they look at it.


• And now that I can cook, quite decently, they get to eat, drink and be merry. Just for them, I may just take out the Riesling that costs a 100 pounds from my wine cellar and beguile them with home-made tiramisu.


• Oh, last but not least, I still have two vacancies in my imaginary apartment block, which flats I'm doling out to friends I want to live with - penthouse, sea-facing, and with your very own personal butler.

Now, who wants to be my friend, put up your hand? Maybe I should hold BFF auditions, a-la Paris Hilton.

Haha!